Posted by wishingstar on February 27, 2007, at 17:15:11
I saw my therapist today.
I have this thing I hold myself to.. its "dont hope". Pessimistic, huh? But it's better because then I dont get hurt. Every time I let myself start hoping for something and believing in something, I end up regretting it.
SO, Ginny (my T, for those who dont know) cant see me twice a week anymore! And what better time to throw that at me than 5 minutes before the end of the session? She said.. "you look sad" after. No kidding, really? How'd you think I'd react?
I left the session and called a friend and cried my entire way from her office to my office, and for awhile in a nearby parking lot before I went in to work. Then I gathered my handy little therapist scheduler book and went in, splashed some water on my face, and played therapist for a few hours. Hahh!
A few months back, when I started with her (around the end of Oct) I almost thought I wasnt going to be able to see her for scheduling reasons. She wanted me to be seen twice a week, but wasnt sure she could promise me that, so she kept seeing me while I saw met other Ts, just for a transition. Then in the midst of trying to find someone, I got admitted to the hospital. When I got out, she said she'd thought about it and would "just make it work" with seeing me twice a week. I'd just gotten past a big abandonment by an old T (the Anne thing) and had been shifted around quite a lot, and she said she felt (and I agreed) like I really just needed something stable, so she'd make it work if I wanted to see her. So I agreed. Had I known this would happen four months later, I would have never stayed with her!! Back then the idea of switching wasnt so hard because I didnt really know her well anyway. But now, even though I know I havent lost her completely, I really need the twice a week and it feels like a HUGE loss. I feel like I was misled and it hurts.
The reason is because the agency has so many new referrals theyve decided to make a new rule and only allow once a week for everyone. Ginny is the director so it's all her decision, but she said it's just not fair for her to make exceptions. I see her point and I agree. But it still HURTS. This just isnt fair. I signed on and agreed to try to trust her with the agreement that she'd make this work, NOT change the rules right when I finally am starting to feel safe.
I'm fairly sure I'm going to cancel my Thurs appt. I have another appt scheduled for Tues anyway. We have twice a weeks for the next 3 weeks.. time to get used to it I guess.. but I dont want to see her. I need to take some time and get some emotional distance from her. Going in and talking about how I feel is only going to make it worse because there's nothing that can be done.. I just have to process it on my own. I told her she should have let me quit last week when I tried (send her that email and she basically said no, youre not quitting). She didnt say much to that but said that quitting is an option and she can help me find somewhere else if I want.
NO F-ING WAY am I starting over anywhere else.
Once a week is just not enough right now. Heck, twice a week isnt enough, but I was making do. But once a week is just enough to remind me that she's there and make me wish for it, but not enough to really solve anything. I think I'd rather not go at all than go once a week really, odd as that sounds. She said that if there were ever weeks where I was really having a hard time, we could do twice occasionally... but what is this? I feel worse the last few weeks than I did even before I got admitted to the psych unit in Oct. This is crisis if I've ever seen it.
I'm just really hurt. I know it's not her fault I guess... but I feel abandoned. In a way, it IS her fault. She gets to make the choices about what does and doesnt happen in the agency. I feel angry that she sprung it on me on the last 5 minutes, and at a time where I'm finally starting to feel safe there and am having such a hard time AND have this huge stress of a brand new job and therefore need her so badly.
And I know I'm being ridiculous and overreacting and most people only go once a week and get a grip amanda. I know. But it doesnt matter. This just isnt fair and I NEED her.
Note to self... THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED!! How do I keep forgetting that?
Please no one tell me it isnt that bad. I FEELS "that bad".
poster:wishingstar
thread:736862
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/736862.html