Posted by mair on February 20, 2007, at 22:23:07
In reply to Re: Why won't I call by T back? (long) » fayeroe, posted by Honore on February 15, 2007, at 20:49:28
I just want to really apologize to those who answered me on this thread. One night last week I spent alot of time working on a collective response. When I was almost done, I thought I could get back to re-read someone's post without losing what I had written. Not So, apparently, because the message I wrote disappeared into the unknown regions of cyberspace. I was totally deflated but it was also late and I didn't feel up to rewriting it. The next day came and it started to feel that any response was already too tardy and thus too rude. As is all too typical for me when I think I've offended someone, I just froze - for days. Generally the longer that goes on the worse it gets; I've been thinking for the last several days that I couldn't come back here, at least for a long time.
I really do appreciate the answers I got and although it was beyond frustrating to lose what i wrote, it was very helpful for me to read your responses and to respond to them by writing what turned out to be a phantom response. I think it started to really sink in that I have too much invested in this relationship to just walk away from it, and that some of what I've been experiencing may be a reaction to my T's illness. I think as Dinah put it, I really just want my old T back.
Today, I met with my T for the first time since I wrote that post. She asked me if I got the impression that she endorsed the idea of me cutting back or quitting. I told her that I got the impression that she was more than open to the notion that I should cut back on therapy and that since once a week therapy has never been very helpful, just quitting seemed to make more sense. She told me that she thought alot of my ambivalence arose from the fact that I've never quite known how to use therapy during periods when I was feeling better. She also told me that just feeling better "for awhile" was not her idea of the best quality of life for me - that she thought there was still a lot we needed to work on and that in her opinion, I still had a long way to go. (why should I find that so reassuring?)
I had a not very good ending with my last T who was also my psychiatrist. Through a set of circumstances which are a little too involved to recount, I decided I really needed somewhat of a break from therapy and during the session which was to be our last (at least for awhile) I got quite angry with him - right at the end of the session. He was upset with me for not really giving him the opportunity to respond. I came back to see him the next week, really to apologize, and in that session he let me apologize while taking no ownership for the source of my anger. I continued to use him for my meds prescriptions for a few years after that and I even continued to see him for therapy on a on again off again basis, but he was always very careful after that to let me call the shots on when I'd see him and what we'd talk about, and he never tried to get me to talk about what it was that had made me so angry. Over a period of time, I felt that he had sort of given up on accomplishing anything of much value with me and I definitely emotionally withdrew from him. Our relationship eventually ended not with a bang, but also with barely a whisper.
The subject of how I ended things with my last T has been something I've spent alot of time discussing with my current T. It usually comes up after I've run into him somewhere. When I was trying to respond to your posts, I found myself thinking about him and it struck me that I might be going through a subconcious emotional withdrawal with my T now and that I really couldn't bear to leave therapy from a point of emotional withdrawal and with a lot of unresolved issues concerning my relationship with my T. I haven't been doing very well for several days now for a few different reasons, but I've also had alot of anxiety about therapy and I've found myself again and again thinking about how I ended up feeling about my old T.
I think I must have gotten this across to my T today, because one thing she said which really stayed with me after I left with was that it was her responsiblity to see that that didn't happen.
So it's been good for me to rekindle the connection with her that feels elusive so much of the time, because it's the fleeting connection which makes me feel that there are therapeutic goals worth pursuing and that I may have a shot at feeling that I've held up my part in at least one relationship in my life.
I get to see her one more time before I leave for a couple of weeks, and because of her chemo schedule, we won't meet again for almost 3 weeks. It will be interesting to see how well I can hold onto the sense of connection I felt today.
Also, thanks for your words about my sister. Her surgery is Thursday and I fly down to be with her on Sunday. My experience with my T has really made be appreciate what a truly awful disease this is. But I'm also glad that I can be there with her.
fondly
mair
poster:mair
thread:732804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/734678.html