Posted by Daisym on February 11, 2007, at 0:27:57
In reply to Maybe I'm not so good at therapy *assorted Trig*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 9, 2007, at 20:38:30
I'm having a huge deje vue reaction to your post -- I bet if I searched hard enough I could find a post I'd written early on in my therapy that was eerily similar. The idea of having goals scared me, both because I didn't want to think about being done with therapy and because I didn't want to "need" therapy to help me reach those goals. It didn't make a lot of sense to me then, and it still sort of doesn't.
The other thing that struck me was your question about why can't you say it when you can write it? The way our brains work, it makes a lot of sense that you can take things that are emotionally laden and write them out. The act of writing (or typing) is a way of organizing and making sense out of things. The emotions have to fight with the rules of spelling and grammar, so you are more contained and less flooded. Talking provides a lot less structure, until you are actually in the flow of it. Like when you get up to give a speech and it is hard to get started, but once you do, things click in and you can just run with it. I think the content of what you are saying takes over, instead of the worry about the other person's reaction.
And saying things out loud is so, so hard. It makes things real in a way nothing else does. And giving yourself permission to speak is sometimes also permission to feel. And boy is that scary. Because, at least for me, what I intend to say sometimes isn't what I actually say. When I write, I can edit, I can change and I can censor. When I talk, once it is out there, it is out there. Admitting you need your therapist is a huge thing. It is scary but it feels good to do it. Given everything you've said about her, I'm sure she will handle your feelings carefully. I think it is lovely that you feel safe with her and of course you wanted to be protected when you were younger.
No one is really good at therapy all the time. We all struggle with forcing ourselves to say stuff, to admit things and to reveal our deepest pain. It is OK to work up to things, to go back to them and to avoid things for awhile. Whatever needs to come up and out will - eventually.
You are doing just fine -- better than fine actually. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
poster:Daisym
thread:731503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/731734.html