Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 11:53:12
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))))) » caraher, posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:52:56
She called a few minutes ago. She told me she'd call before lunch, and when it hit 12:30 I was starting to panic.. what if she forgot? But obviously she didnt.
We only talked for maybe three or four minutes.. asked how I was, was I safe, what my plans were for the weekend. She asked if I wanted her to call over the weekend to check in and of course I wanted to say yes, but I said it was up to her.. I just dont know how I'll be feeling. So she said she'll check her messages around noon on Sat and Sun and to leave her a message if I want her to call me. I probably wont because what can she possibly say? But it's a nice thing to have there.. a safety net I guess. She also told me to call her on Mon after work regardless of whether I think I "need her" or not to let her know how I am and how work went.
On one level its very obvious to me that she cares and wants to be there. She wouldnt say all those things otherwise. But on another, I feel like I'm being a huge annoyance and burden for her. Every once in awhile I get this certain tone in her voice... the first time I SIed after being safe for a long time, for instance.. and I got the same tone last night and this morning. I guess its probably just concern or something, but it makes me feel like shes frustrated or bothered or doing something she doesnt want to do. It feels punishing. I guess she wouldnt offer to call if she really didnt want to, but who knows. I KNOW thats a feeling on my end, nothing shes trying to do.. but it makes me want to hide it when I feel really bad or do something dumb (SI). I dont want to get that tone.
She encouraged me to call my pdoc and try to get in earlier. I did but it didnt work. They offered me an appt next week, on Monday, but of course!! Of course this STUPID job is screwing it all up and I had to turn it down. The doctor is covering the hospital the next week, and then the week after that (the 28th) is my appt anyway. So there's no getting in any earlier. Great.
I dont know what else to say.
poster:wishingstar
thread:730752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/731379.html