Posted by mair on January 24, 2007, at 21:47:43
In reply to Re: My T's Appearance » mair, posted by Daisym on January 24, 2007, at 19:53:23
" I'm sure we all wish we could not notice things like appearance, but we are human and as a species we are programmed to respond better to the familiar. So the changes you describe would be disconcerting. How can you attend to your thoughts or needs when there is such a deregulating experience all around you? And more than the appearance, the life energy has changed. There is fear and sadness and pain and it is all in the room with both of you. From both of you."
This is definitely true. It's also possible that I'm supplying most of the fear and sadness - she tries not to let that seep through. She hasn't sugar-coated the pain though, certainly not the physical pain.
>
"Your description of being annoyed with her reminds me of how kids react when they are tense and on edge. One thing goes wrong and that is what they focus on, not the fact that they are in a new setting and missing their moms. So it makes sense to me that your annoyance would flare up at the misattunement, because you can't possibly get upset with her for being unavailable to you."It feels so awful to feel annoyed - I find myself wanting to pull back but that also seems cruel to me. And it's not like I get the alternative of wrapping her in my friendship like I could do if our relationship was social.
"So when she is available, she needs to make it up by being perfect. Not that any of this is conscious, of course."
I'm the one who's worried about having to be perfect. On the other hand maybe, in my fear, I'm super-attuned to any evidence that she's distracted and not up to her job right now. I'm sure it's not fair to her. After all, even when she was well, I periodically got annoyed with her for not understanding what I was saying. I'm not always convinced that she's the best listener, although I've never really been able to tell her that. Why should I expect her to be a better listener now?
" OK - enough analyzing from me."I think your analysis is pretty good. Thank you.
mair
poster:mair
thread:725771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/726172.html