Posted by wishingstar on December 1, 2006, at 9:48:28
In reply to Re: is this depression? » wishingstar, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 13:05:06
Never having been happy is a scary thing to realize. I can really relate to what you said about your college years. Mine was similar in some ways. I mostly just went through the motions... go to class, do homework, go home, etc. My grades were always good. But I never really had friends, and that was mostly by choice. I just didnt interact with people. But when I was forced, I was very friendly, pleasant, etc.. it was just a show. Never did it occur to me that I didnt feel happy. But I guess you can only push forward and ignore it so for long, and then BAM. Here I am. Sounds like what happened to you too.
I'm not sure that I'm totally stabalized on meds yet, but certainly better than a few months ago. We're still trying new things, trying to find something that works better.. but the crashes arent as hard. I'm not having hours and hours where I cant get out of bed. :) That's a good sign. Thank you for noticing that I seem more stable.. I think I am. I'm actually sort of proud to hear someone say that, weird as that sounds.
But starting to feel better is actually very scary too. I find myself wanting to sabotage it sometimes. Ginny and I have talked about this. I really dont know what causes me to get so scared, but if I can get to a certain point of "feeling better" I think that feeling will go away. It usually has in the past. I think the reasons you listed for it being scary are probably it. I feel better, feel happy enough to go out and be social once in awhile.. but the motivation to do it and the social skills and the confidence arent there yet. I'm stuck in this difficult inbetween place and I dont know how to get out. But hopefully in time itll fix itself.
The other very scary piece is the not knowing what will be left when the depression is gone. I know it sounds silly, but I'm afraid there wont be much left. I've been depressed for so long, I dont know who I am without it. I dont really believe that theres anything unique about me, or that anything is really all that important, or that anyone will want to pay any attention to me at all, without it.
Ginny is really good and I think youre right about that being part of the fear. I know I cant just float week to week with her as I did with Anne. I felt the inklings of a connection yesterday. I mean, we've gotten along since day 1 but I never had that feeling, but yesterday I started to feel it. We were talking about self-nurtuting and she mentioned some pillow she has that shes had since she was a kid, and her husband teases her and says its gross, but she still keeps it. I was really touched that she told me that. It made her very real to me. I think that might be what sparked the good feelings.
Sorry for rants in so many different directions. Your post gave me a lot to think about. Thank you.
PS, I love " wishing* " haha thats great!
poster:wishingstar
thread:707934
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/709298.html