Posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 13:05:06
In reply to is this depression?, posted by wishingstar on November 29, 2006, at 21:46:07
> Ginny suggested the other day that even though I say I was happy and doing well through college, that maybe even then I wasnt really happy.. just not as depressed as now. She thinks maybe I've never really been actually happy.
>Oh my god! My old T said the exact same thing to me. He said that when I was "happy" and doing well in college, how was my relationship with my family? (um, nonexistant?) And when I tried to debate it with him, all my stup id reasons for why I was "happy" seemed shallow. Oh, I'm sure I had a lot of good times, and I really enjoyed my college experience. But was there ever a time in college where I could just let go of myself? Allow myself to feel? To be? No. There were always concerns about how I could negotiate various scary situations. I stayed very busy and probably kept myself out of depression by having a very active social life, playing violing 20 hours a week, and working out. Of course, senior year I had what I think? was my first major depressive episode (that I had noticed) Also, looking back at who my friends were-- they were always people whose problems seemed larger than mine; whose grief was more justified; whose love was more salient; whose relationship crises seemed more urgent. I guess I never allowed myself to appear vulnerable to the extent that I might be able to notice -- hold on-- this is not good, I'm DEPRESSED.
> It makes me think a lot. Right now, I'm feeling okay. I dont have that terrible heavy feeling that depression gives me.. the feeling that I just cant do anything, cant get out of bed, etc. I dont feel particularly bad. But at the same time, I still want to die, just in a more passive way. I feel fine, but I still dont really want to be alive.
>
Okay, well- you've gotten your neurotransmitters stabilized. That's good. Now you have to figure out what you want to live for. That's hard. I still have moments when I think to myself- it would just be easier to die than to finish up my PhD. Lately, though, I've been trying to rekindle my interest in my topic. Hey, if *I* don't do this research, maybe no one will, and it's a really interesting topic (okay, some days it's the dullest topic in the world, to tell you the truth). I just have to think about the big picture, though. What parts of my life give me satisfaction. The answer is, almost EVERYTHING I do can give me satisfaction, if I allow it to. Cleaning the toilet is satisfying, because I can rediscover glossy porcelain and I will be proud to have friends over for dinner tonight. Walking down the block can give me satisfaction because I can focus on how straight I can walk, or how the air smells on this new day.I don't want to make it seem like puppy dogs and rainbows will be yours if you can just "snap out of it". I just want to give you permission to notice some small details of your life that seem brighter than the day before. It takes some time before you can retrain your mind to think in these terms after such a long deep depression. You may still need some tweaking to your meds, just to help give you a little more brightness to your moods.
> It's scary because I dont think I know where happy is. Where's the line between depressed, manic, and "normal"? I FEEL okay, but when youre happy, you shouldnt still want to die, right? Is my baseline off?
I don't think your baseline is off, I just think that your neurotransmitters have reached "normal" but your mind hasn't quite caught up yet. In your therapy, you might start to work on figuring out where these bad thoughts come from, and what they are trying to tell you.
> Ginny seemed surprised when I said this not knowing is scary. It isnt the word she expected. I cant really say why, but it is.
It IS scary, wishing*. You're in uncharted waters. Everything feels new, and you don't know what to expect. At least when you're depressed, you know what to expect. Another day of mopey misery. But when you actually have energy to do stuff with your day... and you don't quite know WHAT to do? or what's important? well, it's scary. Also you are probably getting to know Ginny better, so maybe you're starting to work on some hard stuff now. Just remember that fear is a feeling. You don't need to be afraid of yourself. You are going to be okay. You've made it through the worst, and now you have more of your senses available to you. You might be scared because you're looking back, and you are scared at the danger you were in. You might be scared, because you don't know when "ill" is going to stop and "well" is going to begin. Try to take one day at a time, and keep track of your progress. It might seem slow and you might be impatient, but it's happening. You sound a LOT more stable than when we heard from you last.
Take good care of you, okay?
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:707934
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/709005.html