Posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31
And I hope that is ok with you. I brought you along in my thoughts because of two posts that stuck with me in a good way. One post was about trying to tell my T about the anger I was feeling towards her and the other was regarding your not-so-great session last week. This was the post where you told your T she felt a hundred miles away.
I was impressed and motivated by that. I thought of the many times I have felt like saying that, or something like it, but I don’t. I just eat it and it stays inside of me where, most of us know, it only becomes larger. So I thought, if you can speak your feelings so directly to your T, I can too! In fact, so many people who post here seem so brave to me when they can be so vulnerable.
So, naturally with 10 minutes left in the session :-) I started telling my T how it’s been hard for me to talk for a few weeks now. How I feel this underlying anger. I told her that I didn’t understand how I could leave my sessions and feel like I miss something but not be sure if its her, or me, or something else. I told her that we keep talking about our relationship and we keep calling it a ‘relationship’ but it’s generic. I told her that I chose therapy. It was something I volunteered to do. I told her doing therapy is her job, that she’s there everyday. Then, in perhaps the angriest tone I have ever used with her-which isn’t very angry!- I said, “At the end of 50 minutes what do you care how I feel or how hard this is for me?” I finished my little monologue by saying that I wish I could just leave but something doesn’t let me.
My T was receptive, perhaps surprised. But her main focus ticked me off. She said that she could tell I was angry at our relationship. At the unequal, one-way, lopsidedness of it. And that in it self was ok and to be expected because this is unlike any other relationship there is. Blah, blah, blah. Do you know how many times she has told me about the one-sided relationship? I don’t want to hear it again! I don’t care about that. I am not asking her to hold my hand or be my friend. I don’t want that!
I just want to know if she cares. I just want to know that I don’t cease to exist the minute I leave. I know she can only move within the boundaries of a therapist but I don’t think I want anything more.But I have never asked her - Just flat out asked if she cares about me. I feel stupid even thinking about asking. But I build up all this anger towards her and I try to think up all the reason why I am just a total nothing to her, yet I wont ask her that simple question that would probably put my mind at ease. I want her to tell me. Why do I have to ask? Maybe she already knows this. Maybe she knows I ‘need’ to ask. And she won’t say anything until I do. She’s all about my asking for what I need and not just waiting to receive it.
Our session was ending and didn’t allow much time to dissect this. My T did comment on how I was trying to reduce our relationship and that if I was feeling it’s generic then something is wrong and we have to fix it. She mentioned the transference (arrr) and she asked me if this anger was more child-like than adult. I didn’t know. She mentioned that we had been through this before too. Her main question was why now? Why was this becoming an issue again now? Again, I don’t know. Our time was up but she said she wanted to give me a minute to say something. It’s those little things that make me think she does care. Now if I can just get her to say it...
poster:bent
thread:694485
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/694485.html