Posted by wishingstar on September 27, 2006, at 16:52:08
Here's a short timeline. 3 weeks ago, Laurie forgets our appointment. 2 days later, I cant handle it anymore and go to the ER and start partial. Later that week, Anne doesnt call me back for 5 days even though she said she would. Several days after that, she drops me, but doesnt have the guts to tell me herself. I cry my eyes out for several days. A few days later, I finish partial. Randy has a new T he wants to set me up with, and leaves her a message to see if shes taking new clients. He didnt give me her contact info and said he'd call me back once he talked to her to let me know. If she wasnt taking clients, he had some other Ts in mind. That was last Thursday.
Now it's Wednesday night, 6 days later. Randy never called. I finished partial better than when I started, but still in a very shakey, somewhat suicidal, scary place, having just lost my therapist of a year... and now, no follow up. Nothing. No new therapist, unless I pick one out of a phone book at this point. Shouldnt they move to set someone up quickly with outpatient help after a program like this? Especially given where I'm at with anne and everything?
Is this a joke? It sometimes feels like there is someone (God? I dont know) watching me and getting a huge kick out of this, saying "gotcha!"
I'm going to call Randy tomorrow.. but this hurts so bad. Why does this keep happening to me? I know that sometimes when the same bad thing keeps happening it means you need to look at your own part in it.. but really, what could I have done wrong here? He said he'd call me about this woman. I dont even have her contact info. There's nothing I can do to set this up for myself unless I just pick someone on my own, but he said he had someone in mind. I guess he forgot? The irrational part of me is screaming now that everything he told me and that I got a grasp on in partial (that I'm an okay person, etc) is just bullsh*t.
Part of me is saying that I'm done with therapy. Really, done. Yes, I'm hurting and having a bad time.. but every time I reach out for help, it's not reliable. I trusted Randy so much (and I still do to some degree) but I just need someone to be reliable for once. To prove to me that theyre safe and I can trust them. I know I overreact to this phone call thing.. it hits my abandonment fears big time. But what else would it look like but abandonment? Its an issue of mine for sure.. but having no one be reliable does not help me work on it.
I'm really not sure I can trust any more Ts right now. Every time I do, it ends up hurting.
I'm feeling myself slip, very quickly, back into my pre-partial hosp. place. My bedroom is quickly becoming a disaster again, I'm having trouble getting out of bed, I'm not doing any school work. I can tell myself I love myself all I want (that was a big focus of partial) but that really doesnt help me get out of bed in the morning. I just hate being alive right now.
I'm sorry all my posts are so long. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read them. It helps to get it out, i guess. I swear I'll start being more supportive of you all as well once I get myself a little more together. I really will.
I see Laurie on Friday. Part of me just wants to collapse into a heap of tears on her floor, but the much bigger part just doesnt want to talk. We'll see.
poster:wishingstar
thread:689654
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/689654.html