Posted by ElaineM on September 25, 2006, at 18:12:51
In reply to Re: Rambling (up to Thurs.) ***trigger? » ElaineM, posted by Poet on September 24, 2006, at 11:42:20
They told me to come in tomorrow instead!! This is effed up!! How does anyone get help or recover from anything at all?! Wait more, it's easy for them to say. It must feel different being a doctor yourself, you get to be on the inside, you have some control over how you're treated, with how you're thought of at least. :'( And it's so hard to get places day after day. I can't move that much! I can't express how much I hate myself for creating this latest problem. I thought it was saving me at the time, but the anorexia killed me. I'm sorry for ranting but I can't help it.
I got an email from CC this morning which said that she can't do stuff for me anymore, and can't make calls on my behalf or anything like that because she's not allowed. She can't "treat" me because I'm not a student and not under their coverage, and she can't email me socially (which I wasn't even asking) cause it's not appropriate. I knew that. I was just grasping at straws. She said to wait to see if the other Help Place returns my message but it's been several days -- if a crisis line was gonna ever get back to me, they would've done it by now. At least my pain is distracting a little from all this other cr@p. Though I do often panic cause I worry that no one is here to take care of me. I worry about fainting or falling or being too weak to get up. I didn't even go to my session today. T sounded concerned. I have a first meeting with a new physician next Monday and he said he wants to go with me, and he would wait out in the waiting room. He always really wants to go, but for some reason I always chicken-out and go alone. I can't think that far ahead.
I sometimes can see how some of the things T says can seem predatory but I also wonder if he may just want to look out for me. Not want me to find myself alone without any T to take me. I am afraid more than anything to lose this other human who would help me as I'm sick. I know that if I called him at home and said, "I need your help right now." that he would come right away. Unless he was with his sons or taking care of something important with his ex. If I said, "Take me to the hospital right now" I'm sure he'd drop anything. And that's all I want. I've watched too many family members die and I will not do that alone. My real family does not even count because I would not let them see me in a hospital -- not that they'd come to help. That was my job. They do not get to pretend to love me at the last minute so they can believe that they are not monsters. I've watched it happen that way before. (I'm not saying I'm dying right now, at least they don't think so, but I still think of it often)
Muff, when I read the title of you're response I wanted to cry and say Exactly. It is hard to hear Run cause I think you need either strength of mind, or strength of body to do so. You do not need both, but you MUST have at least one of those to lean on. Don't feel bad though. You do not need to help more than you are. I'm just sorry that I can't do anything other than appoligize for not feeling like I can do anything else.
I worry that he could read here, not because I think he would get angry first, but more that it would sadden him that he trusted me so much, and I went and turned around and shared everything with the internet. I wouldn't want to hurt him. Plus I am used to making sure others are not angry or sad. I just want to get through the week. I always make a bargain with myself that if only my body can make it through all this I'll be okay with living with whatever other sh*t comes my way. If I have my body, I can tolerate anything else. I don't know. It is soooo hard with both mind and body at once.
blove you all, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689157.html