Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 21:08:36
In reply to Re: Dear Dr. » Susan47, posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 18:52:38
I appreciate you answering my post Muffled. I know it's hard, it's hard for all of us isn't it. The hardest thing of all, for me, is feeling like a person who has an interest in living. I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO LIVE AND BE HAPPY or let me die now, just right now, let my heart stop all on its own because they say you can do that if you really want to .. but that's wishful thinking. It doesn't really happen like that. I have to MAKE it happen if I find my existence so unbearable .. and I really do. I thought about walking out into the ocean. I suspect my T .. this is sick, okay? But I really think maybe my T goes fishing .. maybe on a nice day like today, he'd be out on the ocean fishing or something .. or sailing .. who knows .. he seemed to like the ocean I think.. from some conversations .. he seems to be intimately familiar with it .. and I thought, if I walked out in the water now, and just let it take me over my head, and it would be cold, and everything, but I'd be in the same place, joined to where he was ... I know that's sick. But I really felt it, I really wanted it. My T was like mother's milk to my soul .. I don't understand and I just hurt SOOO much.
God help me.. I know I'm saying that a lot, and honestly I don't believe in a god .. of any kind .. only energy, as they say .. everything is energy. If I die, I'll be cremated and all my energy will be dissipated. Gone.
I didn't know I could hurt this badly. Feel this alone. This abandoned. Death has to be better than this.
poster:Susan47
thread:688763
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688860.html