Posted by Jost on September 16, 2006, at 21:42:14
In reply to Re: and now I have no T » Jost, posted by wishingstar on September 16, 2006, at 20:09:20
Hi, Wishingstar.
Actually, I was saying the opposite, that it's easier sometimes to have someone leave you than to leave them.
I didn't mean that, as things have unfolded, Anne isn't considering, or hasn't decided that it's best to terminate with you..
What I meant is, that all that you say about her really leads to the conclusion that, at some deep level, perhaps a level you find hard to recognize consistently, yourself, you don't want to work with her.
Over these months, you've let her know fairly often how disappointed in her you are, and in what ways ways . You've said you don't trust her. That she's let you down.
When a patient says these things frequently, there are two possiblities. (That occur to me, anyway.) One is that there's a strong enough connection, and a good enough fit, to ride the lack of trust through, and to come out on the other side, with a stronger, more solid connection on both sides, but esp. for the patient.
The other is that the therapist and patient are not well matched, and that, despite how much either wants it to work, the connection can't weather the storm of these mutual missings.
This can happen despite caring on the therapist's part. You say that caring for you requires reliability and emotional presence. Those are extremely good and important qualities. But--people can care, despite lacking the ability to be reliable, or to be emotionally present enough of the time. They may care deeply, but simply be unable to act on the caring in the way the other person needs. This may feel like lack of "real" caring-- and maybe it is-- but that way of putting it doesn't seem true to me. --Unfortunately, people can care, and not be able to reach us, or reach us in the right way.
They can be unintentionally hurtful-- or hurtful as a way of dealing with their own pain, or disappointment-- or simply not quite the person who can strike that chord that one needs.
I'm not saying this is the case with Anne. Nor do I know for a certainty that she cares about you--although I believe she that she does. People tend to care about others whom they spend time with-- and esp. therapists, who go into that line of work at least partly because they care and want to help. I'm not saying that all care--of course-- But I do strongly suspect she cares about you, although perhaps she's hurt, or discouraged, or feels that she's not the right therapist for you-- or even is angry, or frustrated-- at how things have gone.
Therapists can be angry or frustrated even if they care. Of course, it's hard to feel that, or believe it-- esp. when it's happening.
You;re angry at Anne, and feel rejected by her; you experience the (imagined, so far) end of the relationship as her choice.
But iis it her choice? or isn't it really something that you yourself have been thinking about?
Yes, you do think about it because you believe, unfortunately, that if you were good enough--she would do the things that you need-- or it would work out. But that isn't how it works, in life. She's who she is-- you need what you need. If you need a therapist who checks in about SI often-- and Anne doesn't feel comfortable, or remember, to do that-- that's who Anne is-- and yet you need (and deserve) what you need.
Would you need every therapist to do that? Not necessarily-- perhaps another therapist would do other things that would make you feel secure, and more able to bring the SI up. Some therapists, however, would also feel able to do it.
Isn't it possible, even if she does mean to end, that she's hearing something that you've been saying for quite a while? That she realizes that she isn't helping you enough, that she may not have the qualities, or temperament, necessary to be the good-enough, reliable, emotionally responsive therapist that you need?
If this doens't sound right or true to you, then I may be wrong. And in any event, I hope you are feeling better, and stronger, as time goes on.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:686074
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686677.html