Posted by Jost on September 15, 2006, at 14:26:46
In reply to and now I have no T, posted by wishingstar on September 15, 2006, at 12:53:00
Wishingstar,
After reading your sequence of posts about Anne, and also your relationship with her over the last few months, I feel that I can say that she doesn't hate you.
That's quite different from saying that she can help you, or that she has behaved particularly well as a T. I don't think it's because she's a bad person, or doesn't care.
I'm not quite sure why she's been delinquent and unreliable-- perhaps she isn't the most organized, or, well, reliable, or focused person. That doesn't make her bad-- but it does make her a much less than ideal therapist, esp. for you.
The real problem is that you don't trust her. Given who you are and who she is, you have solid reasons not to trust her. One can have reasons not to trust someone who cares about one-- because the person acts in ways that are not careful, or consistent enough, despite their caring.
Yet you transmute your not trusting her into her not caring about you. And you further explain that by thinking that you're not worth caring about. That is an incredibly painful thought.
But this way of thinking is backwards, and also not a true understanding.
What's going on isn't about caring, It's about being careful, emotionally reliable, emotionally present, and other things.
Anne, unfortunately, doesn't seem to possess these qualities in a terribly great d egree. She may be great with some people who don't need these things as much. She may be a fine person. However, these things that you need are things that many people need, and certainly deserve.
And if I could say anything, it would be that it doesn't matter whether she is about to "drop" you: By saying that, perhaps you're trying to make it easier to accept. Maybe, when you don't trust someone, it's easier to think that they're getting rid of you-- than that you must end things with them.
Then, that little bit of hope keeps cropping up-- and keeping you somewhere that isn't good for you.
So, it's about her not being a good T for you, despite your wish that she were and your connection to her, which is hard to give up. You're ending with her-- even though you feel that she's ending with you.
You're in a supportive environment now-- a place where there are people to help you through this very very painful transition. Randy and the others in the partial program.
And painful as it is, despite how hard it is, I hope you see this as a painful but important decision that You are making, for very good reasons. It's very sad, it's a great loss, but one that makes a better future possible.
Jost
PS I 'd like to see you get a new, better T in the place where you live, not hours away as Laurie is.
poster:Jost
thread:686074
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686245.html