Posted by Daisym on September 4, 2006, at 13:15:25
In reply to Re: Therapy Hurts » daisym, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 8:49:54
*******It sure would have been easier to have someone hold my hand and open the door for me. I guess that's not what the T had in mind. He wanted me to open the door myself.
It's nasty work. So very very awful. So lonely inside my own mind. Nobody to understand, no way to communicate, if I don't even know what it is that I'm communicating. But, I feel a little bit stronger every day. It's not like this every week. Sometimes it's more light-hearted. Sometimes we talk about how I can get along better in specific situations. But how to get along better inside my own mind. well. that's really difficult. *********
This all sounds very difficult and painful. Knowing who we are is the key to peace and the foundation on which to make life choices. I have found that who I thought I was isn't really true. There is relief in that and terror -- if not that, then what?
I've been lucky. I've been in therapy for three years. The first year we spent building trust and a vocabulary for my feelings. I finally told him about the abuse in my childhood - something I had no intention of doing. I fell apart completely and he held on to me, kept me together enough to keep going. The past two years have been tumultuous, to say the least. We ripped away all the false selves in a slow, painful way. He lent me his core-strength, and he allowed a sometimes smothering attachment. I feel for him what I've never felt for anyone and I'm astonished that I have the ability to feel these deep feelings for anyone.
So we've worked up to this. I know he sees strength and abilities that I don't. Or maybe, like I said above, growing up is hard. I never really was allowed to be a scared little kid when I actually was one. Is is possible to want to relive that now?
I completely agree that it is painful and scary to see how we have self-created a great deal of our own angst. Even in your own mind, you aren't alone if you force yourself to share it with your therapist. I'm glad you have found someone to help you walk out of the house of mirrors and create a new reality. I have faith that you will find your way.
poster:Daisym
thread:682133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/683043.html