Posted by Racer on August 31, 2006, at 14:10:34
I'm a bit better today, but feel kinda hungover from yesterday. I cried through not one, but TWO sessions -- individual, and marriage. And I can't tell you which was worse.
The individual therapy hasn't been going much of anywhere lately. I just haven't felt connected to it, somehow, lately. And for various reasons lately have been thinking I wanted to quit. At least for a while.
Well, yesterday something hit hard -- we were talking about physical therapy. My physical therapy involves a lot of touching, including something where the physical terrorist straps my upper leg to his waist and rotates my leg while using his body to pull on my hip. What I'm trying to get across is that it's not a little touching now and again, and it's not a bit of touching, say, just below my knee. My problem with it isn't sexual, it's just that someone's hands are on me. My T asked if it would be easier with a woman, but it wouldn't. In fact, I think the women I've seen there would probably bother me even more. It's the species, not the gender -- if they could get, say, a bonobo to do it...
So this week, my PT will be away on Friday. The other time this happened, I cancelled my appointment. I was talking to my T about whether it was OK for me to cancel again, and that started us talking about it. And she seemed to be leaning towards "if it's helping you, don't cancel." And that set me off, floods and floods. I can't even tell what scares me about it. But I know I feel nauseous just thinking about it, and when I try to imagine it actually happening -- well, let's not go there, huh?
I know that part of my upset is just plain the "Hey, I scheduled with one PT, why was I shifted to another without any warning?" That does bother me. And it's not as though I haven't SAID to this PT that it's very hard for me to allow someone to touch me. I've told him that, because especially at first I would react to something he did not because it hurt, but because I'd hit critical mass as far as contact went. And no matter how much they may think that it doesn't matter who's doing it -- it does. To me.
Oh -- that just started the waterworks again. I think part of this is the "it bothers me, but it shouldn't, so I can't tell them it does..." The "I have to take it, put up with it, I can't tell them how much it bothers me."
And you know the worst part? I'm not sure I have it in me today to tell my T that, because I'm afraid she'll tell me it would be good for me to say that to them. I don't know which scares me more: telling them it's a problem, or just keeping my mouth shut and letting someone else touch me.
I think I'm going to make this a two parter, because I can see I'm getting long here. I'll put the marriage counseling part in a separate post.
All this, by the way, is probably related to the fact that my anxiety is out of control lately. Much worse than it has been. Dunno what's up with that...
poster:Racer
thread:681737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681737.html