Posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 12:45:00
In reply to Re: Whoa -- where did that come from? (Part 1 - l » Racer, posted by Jost on September 1, 2006, at 22:01:59
Hey Jost-
I've got some of these issues. I tried really hard to wrap my head around what you were saying, but if I messed up, mea culpa.One of the things *I* do, having been raised in a family where there were simultaneously no rules, yet lots of silently shifting expectations and manipulations is I *impose* a set of rules. And I'm overly rigid. If someone doesn't behave "correctly" according to llrrrpp, then they are not to be trusted, not to be respected, to be feared and avoided. It leads to a very adolescent way of thinking about social situations (who's on what team? who's in the good crowd, and who's on my bad side?).
It gets very bewildering, very quickly. Add to the mix that we want to be accepted, loved and respected. Well, now we have to figure out what everyone else's "rules" are, since we believe that therein lies the key to social success and grace.
Of course, there are no "rules"!! It's all just a giant illusion. Society is so complex that for any situation, different modes of behavior are expected, accepted, etc. At a bar, lots of things are acceptable, at a funeral, only a few things are acceptable. Even the most basic moral, such as "do not take another person's life", is flexible according to context (war, self-defense...)
So. how to strike the balance between getting YOUR needs met, and making others satisfied. This is a delicate balance. I'm glad Racer is working on this in MC, because certain relationships have to be very well-balanced to be satisfactory.
I find that helping people out on p-babble has improved my interactions IRL. When a friend confides in me, do I immediately react with something that betrays my own needs? No, I've realized that it's possible for me to support others and not sacrifice my own needs. Giving support, and asking for it. Very tough.
still very much a work in progress. especially the "asking for support" part.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682300.html