Posted by Tamar on June 20, 2006, at 2:46:37
In reply to Re: I'm embarassed to post » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 23:53:50
> I feel like I've let everyone down. :(
You haven’t let anyone down at all. You did what you needed to do in order to feel safe and a bit more comfortable.
> I'm so weak.
Dinah, it’s not weak at all. The alternative you proposed was medicating yourself up to the eyeballs. And that might have continued for two months.
> I think... I think he's the only one who really knows part of me. The part that others rarely see. The part that surprises the people who know me. He may be the only human in the world who really knows, or has ever known, that aspect of myself and fully accepts it. The needy unreasonable demanding childish part of me. My husband has borne it occasionally, certainly, but he doesn't care for that part of me. And who can blame him. I think it surprises and scares Babblers. I try to keep it from my son, but he sees it from time to time and it scares him.
If Babblers are surprised, it’s probably because you keep it hidden most of the time. What worries me more is that you seem to think we can’t accept it. And yet, time and again, I’ve seen you deal sensitively and gracefully with others who have been behaving in a way that might appear unreasonable and demanding and childish. You accept it so readily in others, I wonder why it seems so hard for you to think others could accept it in you.
> But my therapist not only accepts that part of me, but he even finds it valuable and worthwhile. He'll admit that it annoys him at times, but swears that that's because of what's going on in his life, not because I'm unacceptable.
That’s very important. It’s important not to stifle that part of yourself.
> I think that part of me is terrified of being alone, without anyone, if I lose my therapist. And on a very visceral level, is afraid of obliteration and annhilation without someone who recognizes it and accepts it.
>
> So I think the fear is fear of death. If not on a whole systems or bodily level, then at least death of that part of me. Oddly enough, that part of me doesn't fear actual death, just symbolic annhilation.
>
> I honestly think the only way to break free from him is to make contact an impossibility by moving. And I can't do that.Or… to find ways of accepting that part of yourself and learning that people will still love you simply because that part of you is part of *you*, and you are a loveable person.
> But it helps me to be able and *be* that part of me twice a week, and express myself to my therapist, who really is more than ordinarily good at it.
That’s very understandable. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to hold a part of them inside all the time.
> The two other therapists I recently visited were not at all accepting of that part of me and thought I should work to eradicate it or at least control it. Spoke of it as an unruly part of me that should have limits applied. It didn't really work out too well.
Hmmm… I actually rather like unruly parts of people. Maybe I’m odd, but on the other hand I think a lot of us can identify with other people’s foibles. I don’t see why it needs limits applied unless it would get you into trouble… I wouldn’t want you to start punching people or something.
And the point is that you *do* control it. Most of the time. The problem doesn’t seem to be controlling it all. It sounds to me as if the biggest problem is that you feel there’s only one place where you can be truly yourself in all your parts. And I guess it’s self-perpetuating if you try to keep it hidden from other people.
You’re awfully hard on yourself. (((((Dinah))))) I’ve never seen you be so hard on anyone else. Give yourself a break, eh?
Love,
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:657367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/659036.html