Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 6:22:43
In reply to Re: I think I'm crazy (possible triggers), posted by happyflower on May 26, 2006, at 22:03:02
Thanks, Happyflower. Yeah, Dr Comfort would be just perfect, eh?
> I hate the boundries, he is slamming them all around me. Maybe he is wisening up I don't know. But I hate it. All I want to know is that if I fall apart he will be there to give me a warm blanket and a cup of hot tea and tell me I am okay and I will be okay. But now since he is removing himself from me, I don't know if I can trust him to go where I need to go because it is so darn scary. But I have nobody else, I feel deparate, because the anger inside is eating away at me. I just need someone to help me because I am slipping away. I want to matter, I want to be loved. Maybe I don't need that from my T , but I need him to tell me I am loveable and I do matter. But he won't even tell me he cares about me. He is all Dr. Boundries now. I feel like I am trapped in a therapy cage.
It’s horrible when they tighten boundaries. I think it’s one of the most painful experiences in therapy. I suspect the best way to deal with it is to talk it out at length, and tell him how much it hurts, and allow him to explore with you what it means to have the boundaries more rigidly enforced. But that’s hard because it involves attempting to trust someone who has hurt you very deeply. And often the reason we’re in therapy in the first place is because we have deep hurts that come of being let down by the people we should have been able to trust.
And yeah, I think do you need to know you matter to your T. And you do need to be loved. It’s not just about *wishing* to be loved, I think. I think we actually *need* to be loved in order to be healthy. You know we love you, right? I don’t know about you but sometimes I want to be loved by *everyone*, and I want to love everyone. I want to live in a world where we all understand each other’s faults and foibles and can accept each other easily without big misunderstandings. But sadly it’s an imperfect world. And I guess it’s the imperfection in human relationships that leads to the rule that Ts can’t tell us they love us.
In some ways it makes sense. My husband tells me he loves me, but I feel so unlovable that I don’t believe him. And even if my T told me he loves me, I think it would be hard to believe, because he just can’t fix everything by loving me. And actually I’m sure my T does care about me, but his care hasn’t fixed me. Dammit!
> Maybe this isn't how you feel, and I am sorry I am rambling on and on, but I do feel your pain, Tamar. You are not alone. (((((Tamar)))
Thanks very much, HF. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.
Tamar
P.S. I know just what you mean about being afraid to talk about things because of your fear that you will fall apart and that he won’t comfort you. And you will need to be comforted. So if he can’t hold you and let you sob on his shoulder, what can he do to help you find comfort within yourself? I think it’s about the need for safety. Maybe you need to feel that it’s safe to fall apart and that he won’t let it destroy you. So if offering you comfort isn’t possible (and my T wouldn’t do it either) what can he do? I’ve tested my T with some of it and generally he responds by becoming very emotionally engaged, and that helps. But I’ve found that I need to tell him how hard it is for me, because he really can’t read my mind. I have a habit of slipping some really profound stuff into the conversation as if it were no big deal, and he doesn’t pick up on how big a deal it really is, and then I feel abandoned. So I have to trust him before I can receive his care. It’s so hard!
poster:Tamar
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649248.html