Posted by Daisym on May 29, 2006, at 1:54:26
In reply to Posting While Depressed » Daisym, posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 21:11:31
*****I told my therapist once that I wanted lots of reassurance. He didn’t reply. I think I could ask for it if I thought there was any chance I might get some response from him (can you hear the bitterness?).*****It was a really big deal for me, and all he needed to do was make a note of it in my file and read it a couple of minutes before the session. Too much to ask? (more bitterness)
<<<<<<<Can you ask him why he doesn't respond? Perhaps the way to approach it is "I've brought this up before and you didn't respond. Can you tell me why not? Do you think I don't need reassurance or that it isn't healthy for me to get it from you?" My guess is that is you phrase it this way, you will get to hear what he is thinking. At least I hope so. And no, it isn't too much to ask that he read your file and remember something so important. Another thing to be honest about, "I was so upset with you that you didn't bring up the fact that it was the anniversary of the rape. It was important to me that you acknowledge this date." I would be sort of prepared to hear, "why was it important that I remember with you?"
******You are right. I do try to take care of him. Yeah, being abandoned or the object of anger is really scary for me. But there’s a very practical thing there too. In every other part of life, I’ve found that I’m more likely to get what I want if I play nice. So I figure if I want him to see things from my point of view it’s much more likely to happen if I’m gentle with him. And I know that this is especially true because I have a somewhat postmodern approach to theoretical stuff, whereas I suspect he is much more traditional. I strongly suspect my postmodern take on stuff is uncomfortable to him. But if I want to persuade him I’m right about some of it… well, I don’t think ignoring his feelings about it is likely to help.
<<<<<<<<<I think it is reasonable to play nice most of the time. I do that too. But why does he need to see that you are right? I doubt he is ignoring his feelings but rather setting them aside in your best interest. Your sessions are about you, not him. Is this helping you understand your own viewpoint better? What does it mean to you to "be right" yet know he disagrees? Can you tolerate him not arguing with you, yet not agreeing with you? I just hate that!
*****Oh boy! Yeah, I remember you talked about feeling warded off and I cried my eyes out when I read it. I was actually a bit surprised that your therapist didn’t hug you. I had sort of assumed that if anyone would know how to handle hugging without it becoming a problem, your therapist would know. But on the other hand, I remember dreaming about my therapist kissing my breasts, and that it wasn’t a *sexual* dream at all, and how great that was, and of course I know that in real life if he kissed my breasts I would experience some kind of sexual response because my body is designed to respond to men. So I guess I understand the prohibition: no matter how innocent the idea of a hug might be, there’s often an adult physical response that’s automatic and unavoidable. Well, that’s just my view of the hugging thing…
<<<<<<<The whole hug thing was excruciatingly painful for me. I don't like hugs, and I don't like to be touched. So wanting one surprised me. It sort of surprised me too that my therapist has this policy, but he talked about making a conscious decision in favor of safety for clients. And given my history and my on-again/off-again feelings for him, it is probably the safest road to take. But the reason it was so painful was because he didn't tell me this was his policy until it was an issue. That was a big deal to me. I felt stupid and foolish, because I kept vaguely sort of hinting that it was on my mind and he never called it out. This is probably one of the few subjects this has happened with. So I lost it and accused him of avoiding it, because he couldn't stand the thought of touching me. And of course, it happened two days before he went on a 10 day vacation. It was tough to work through it. He admitted to avoiding it (I died a little inside) because he didn't want me to feel rejected, especially before a vacation. Then he said, "I'm pretty sure you already know this is my policy, based on things I've said." Ah -- nope. Felt even more stupid. I told him that I felt let down, like he'd let me walk into a trap without a warning. And I also told him that it might be useful therapeutically to not announce policies until asked, but in my opinion it was pretty unfair to clients. We have a hard enough time with the known boundaries now I have to worry about the unknown ones. It really did take a while to work through this, I was pretty hurt and angry. And I had the added issue of being confronted with the fact that my therapist is human afterall and makes mistakes. That was hard, even if it shouldn't have been. Because if he is human, how can he make all this go away? (sigh)
*******I have a very bad relationship with God. I donut want to talk to him and I donut want him to talk to me. Yes, I agree about forgiving my children pretty much anything. But sometimes I think I need to forgive God as well, for not being perfect (warning: heretical ideas here)!. I want God to acknowledge his part in the suffering in the world. It’s not enough to say we have free will. If God really is omnipotent then he can intervene in mundane things. And whenever he doesn’t I think he needs to come up with a better explanation than free will. I’m not saying he should always intervene, but I consider it moral evil whenever he doesn’t. So I guess I’m questioning God’s ethical perspective. I don’t think people should be damaged and destroyed just so that we can have free will. And retributive justice is clearly a non-starter. And when we ask God what on earth he’s thinking he comes out with a response like, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” Thanks, God. Very helpful. (Yep, definitely bitter. I identify with Job’s wife: “Curse God and die.”
>>>>>>>>I'm surprised you don't want to talk to God, or at least yell at him. It is OK to think he isn't perfect. But how can he acknowledge his part in the suffering if he can't talk to you? I hate the free will answer too. How about thinking about the greater good? Perhaps God doesn't intervene because the person who is suffering will touch 10 lives and those 10 will touch 10 more, etc. We can't see the whole big picture -- God can. I think that is the message when he asks the question, where were you...?" I don't think he was saying, "I'm unquestionable." I think he is saying, "You don't have the whole story or picture. I do" I struggle with this every day. Why this baby instead of that one? I posted a while ago about my nurse friend who became a PhD neonatal nurse due to losing a baby in the NICU when she was a floor nurse. 10 years later she met the mom again and told her that her son set all of that in motion. Over the years, Lynn has saved thousands of babies. Is this fair? I have no idea. But it is how I think about it.
You have a lot of stuff to talk about. The bitterness is just a symptom. I can't help but notice it seems to be most directed at things that are out of your control. Feeling safe and having control are critical to folks like us. I hope this continues to be your safe place.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649998.html