Posted by Daisym on May 27, 2006, at 2:08:48
In reply to I think I'm crazy (possible triggers), posted by Tamar on May 26, 2006, at 16:08:15
Wow, Tamar, that was a powerful post. My response could be a total projection and more my "stuff" than yours...but...
It sounds to me like you are circling the core issue of wanting your therapist to "make it all better" -- You want to sink into your sessions as a soft place to land, to find some peace from the world you have to navigate most of the time. And he wants to "work."
And your anger is really justified. I get angry too when I don't have as much access to my therapist as I want. I hate that I have to think about all the bad things that happened to me when I'm with him. I really hate that he wants me to feel my anger and express my anger when all I want is for him to protect me from my anger.
I want him to be magic. I want him to make it so we can go back in time and undo everything.
I want him to be a fortune teller so we can go forward in time and see that everything is OK.
Wow, am I mad that he can't. Furious with him. I also want him to fight back and tell me why he can't do all these things, instead of just saying "you have every right to be mad." I think I want him to be God too. And I'm pissed that he doesn't want to be, or even pretend that he could be.
A while back I went and talked to my priest, with my therapist's encouragement. It was there I could really sort out how abandoned I felt by God. I was given permission to be angry at God (a stunning development for me.) It was a good thing for me to do, and it wasn't instead of therapy, it was in addition too. Maybe this could be an option?
I also wanted to say that often when I feel like my therapist is far away, or is pushing me away, usually it is me, pushing away from really painful material. Not always...there have been times that I've called him on stuff and he has admitted to avoiding something. It is really painful when this happens...and I fold up inside myself and slink away.
You are very brave and I know you are working on all of this. Allow all parts of yourself to need what they need from your therapist. It is a little like negotiating waring parties but eventually it sorts itself out.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649224.html