Posted by Daisym on April 4, 2006, at 19:12:11
In reply to Oh, no -- I don't *think* so! » daisym, posted by Racer on April 4, 2006, at 0:56:24
***OK, you think the replies are too nice? Too kind? How about I offer a little Tough Love, then?
<<<My thought here was, "yeah, let me have it."***What you're talking about is running away, and you know it. It's scary, and it hurts, and I'm sure you are afraid you'll blast off into violence sometimes. But you have a support network, no matter how hard it is for you to make use of it.
<<<You are absolutely right. I want to run away. I don't want to keep failing, at home, at work, with my kids, I even put my favorite wool sweater in the dryer. I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right. So I want to throw things. And break glasses. And scream and scream and scream. I hear the screaming in my head. I want someone else to hear it too.***Go back and read the archives -- all the people here who offer the most support and affection to others, I'd bet, have also gone through periods in which they do nothing except beg for help and support from others. You can look at it from one of two perspectives: either it all comes out in the wash, or there's no score keeper here. If this is your time to need, it's someone else's time to give. Sort of a microcosm of the larger world, you know? This gives you practice for real life, where I'll bet the last time you asked someone for their support on a personal level was when you were about three years old. And yet, in that time, haven't you offered a heck of a lot of support to others? Often without their asking for it?
<<<Not true. Last week I told my therapist that what I needed was for him to not make me analyze why I felt suicidal but instead to give me some concrete instructions about how to handle it. And he did, gently of course but he knew I had no capacity left to make decisions. So that was asking for support. And I do it was other people. Giving for me isn't pure, it is my way to control things. So it doesn't count.***Daisy, I'm so sorry this is so hard, and so frightening for you. And I'll bet you're ready to drop it all and walk away. Same way, when your kids were young, you probably had days when you wanted to walk away from them, too. But just as you took care of your children, you get to take care of YOU now. And somehow, that's even harder than taking care of anyone else. But I know you well enough to know that you don't back down from a challenge.
<<<This won't work. The challenge is to end it. All of it. Not to stick it out. Wallowing in it, spreading the negativity, giving voice to the anger, that is all selfishly motivated and easy to do. Living with this stuff, diffusing the anger, or actually taking your own life, those are harder to do. YOU are braver than me...you've worked through so many of your issues, and you are still trying to work through the rest. I feel depleted and small. Worse, I don't think I want to be brave. I want to be rescued.***So, stick around. See what people have to offer, and what you can offer back -- if anything. And if you ain't got nothin' right now, s'OK. You'll have something another time. Babble is a little like Stone Soup, you know? We all bring what we can, when we can -- and that includes our pain and our needs.
>>>I'm good with illusions, Racer. I can make the best stone soup ever. But the base will be salty from my tears, even as I convince you it is the best soup you ever tasted.***Hey -- when your kids were young, did you think less of them for needing you? Did you think they were pathetic because they didn't meet all their own needs? So, uh, could you tell me why it's so different for you? Besides you needing to be perfect, that is?
>>>What? I'm not perfect? When did that secret get out? You said it yourself, we can do for others what we can't do, or even imagine, for ourself. I'm not a kid anymore, and the realities are that I need to meet my own needs. But I'll help you meet yours too.***And Daisy? Your T is telling you the truth, that he can take care of himself. Hard as it is, trust him on that one, eh? Hasn't he proven himself so far?
>>>Yes, he has. And I know he will. He told me on Friday that taking my own life would be a lifelong burden for him to carry and he said, "this is unfair to say but I'm saying it anyway." And that was enough to help me shut down those feelings. But they don't want to stay shut down. So it is so easy to reach the conclusion that I shouldn't have allowed the connection in the first place, because I'm going to hurt him, or you, or other people here on babble eventually.
Thanks for the tough love. You made me think.
poster:Daisym
thread:628551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/628867.html