Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
When I was a child, at least twice a year we would wind up going down to our basement to take shelter during a tornado warning. One time, when I was about 10 or so, there was an actual touchdown. We could see the tornado itself, a very evil-looking thing, btw. My father, who likely was hungover, refused to get out of bed to come to the basement with us. I remember feeling horribly frightened, helpless, and also angry with him for not getting up and for worrying us so much. Well, I probably was not as aware of my own anger, but I was definitely aware of my mother's. (The tornado wound up jumping over our town, btw...no damage.)
So now, my father-in-law (FIL) has a serious and degenerative health condition that is apparent to anyone who knows him. He absolutely refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, and he will not see a doctor. He actually has forbidden my mother-in-law (MIL) from discussing it with him or with us, even when it's quite obvious when he's having problems. This is leading them to have terrible fights, and he brings up separation and divorce during these fights.
He also is drinking rather heavily, which has increased in the last few months. This does not help his health problem at all, and obviously is not a very adaptive coping skill. And he was quite drunk when we arrived for a visit this past weekend. After the visit, they apparently had another big fight.
I find myself feeling quite angry at my FIL and identifying with my MIL. I realized I wasn't having much empathy for FIL, who probably is terrified at the implications of a diagnosis for what's going on with him. At the same time, I also feel quite helpless about his refusal to face what seems like obvious reality to the rest of us. And his getting to set all the "rules" about it infuriates me.
My MIL talked about her depression (which is not at all unexpected) to me, and I felt I had to share some of what she said with my husband, even though I knew this would be quite upsetting to him. And it just adds to an already very stressful and depressing situation. We are going to see them again in a few weeks, as they are moving and we are helping them. I'm sure we're all nervous about what will be exacerbated or triggered in the next visit.
I'm trying to be supportive to my husband and the family. But I'm also remembering how I felt about my dad growing up. That tornado incident just epitomizes for me the helpless, frustrated, desperate, and angry feelings I'm having. And the alcohol is triggering me because I just have a really hard time being around intoxicated men. It's too much like when my dad was drunk. I even tried to make my folks stop fighting when I was very little, about 3.
I know I'm rambling, but I'm up at 3:30 a.m here, and I'm realizing how many emotions are being stirred up. It's only natural that I would feel emotionally moved by this situation. But now realizing it's all mixed up with my own stuff is making it hard for me to direct my energy towards supporting my husband, too. And it's a critical time in our marriage for me to step and do that right now. Critical.
Damn it. I'm even angry that I have this stuff to be stirred up. And I just don't need this right now. I feel selfish, jumbled, angry, and helpless. I just want to go "knock some sense" into my FIL. Not literally, but I really want to confront him and yell at him. But I'd be yelling at my own dad by proxy.
Sigh
I'll just stop now. I really need to see my T. I have to go out of town all day today. Maybe I can get an appt. for later in the week.
Thanks for reading. This is all just so lousy.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:625402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/625402.html