Posted by Racer on March 22, 2006, at 20:20:53
Today was our second session with our new marriage counselor. We talked about how we both try to avoid conflict, and do so out of fear. What came up, though, was a bit about what my childhood was like. Things like being bullied and attacked by my cousin, and not being protected by the adults, and so on. The parts that really were abusive, that affect how I relate to people now.
I cried, and felt danged pathetic, and I hated that. I don't want to see myself that way, as damaged by child abuse. And I'm so afraid that it's just making excuses for myself, that I should be doing everything regardless of anything that ever happened to me. "I should Get Over It Already."
And as if that wasn't enough, my individual session was today, too, and when I told her about this, the whole thing about me having been abused became the focus of a lot of what we did today. My T wants me to get angry, to RAGE about what was done to me. (Of course, I can't even type "what was done to me" without cringing in shame, because you see that's Not Taking Responsibility. No one can "Do Something To" me, I have to Take Responsibility for it...) Anyway, that always triggers a lot of fear, and shame, and that sense of being pathetic.
There's a little anger in there, but even that triggers the fear response, and I get kinda paralysed, and I go into paroxysms of rationalizations to show that I'm not really blaming others, when it's my responsibility and all the rest.
And usually, my T will kinda let me snake my way out of it, and make it less so. Today, though, she kept striking that chord: "Your mother abused you." "You were abused as a child." "That was emotional abuse." "That was child abuse." "Your mother's abuse really f**ed you up." I know that she wants me to get to that rage, and to go through it to the other side.
But you know what? Even just thinking about being able to do that is so overwhelming. So much so, I had to end that paragraph, because I couldn't type about it anymore...
So, the point of all this, is that I do feel shame, for being so pathetic, for having been an abused child, etc. I don't want to see myself that way. I want to see myself as -- well, as normal. At any rate, it hits on that whole identity thing again, so I thought I'd bring it here. Maybe open up a discussion, because I know at least one other person here has trouble with this sort of thing...
I don't know what else to say, so even though this feels unfinished, I'm going to submit now...
poster:Racer
thread:623482
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/623482.html