Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 18:08:24
In reply to Dang that fighting to relationship!, posted by Dinah on November 21, 2005, at 23:01:04
I agree with everything Falls said.
And yet I also wonder if grieving is such a natural state for you (after everything that has happened in the last year or so) that perhaps you’re inclined to grieve before it’s necessary.
By all means, grieve for the change in your relationship. And for his errors of judgement. And even for the uncertainty. That’s very natural, of course.
I was interested in the connection between one aspect of a post you made on social (where you talked about growing up with cockroaches) and the dream you posted here a few days ago. It was the part where you talked about the cockroaches on the table, which was clearly so close to the cockroach pie in your dream. And I thought: maybe the dream wasn’t so symbolic after all. Maybe it’s largely about experience: perhaps your fears (for your son, for your family, for your therapy) stem so much from personal experience that it seems as if history is repeating itself. The friends who died or moved away; the family members and pets who aren’t there anymore… perhaps a sense that you’re the one who is left when others leave or change. The roaches are real: they’re something you had to live with once, and a reality for your son in your worst nightmares.
Sorry, I’m rambling a bit. I think I’m trying to say that maybe you’ve always been the strong one who can hold things together and other people depend on that; even your therapist depends on it. And where does that leave you when you fear your own weaknesses? You *know* you can’t be responsible for everything. But maybe people expect you to take on more responsibility that you feel ready for.
And your therapist is somewhat lost: the one person who should (in theory) be your rock is all fluid and uncertainty. It sucks so much. And yet… I still wonder if there are therapeutic opportunities there… Sometimes it seems to me that you’re so strong and so able to tolerate weakness in other people, even though it hurts you. Your therapist is, I suppose, the one person who should be stronger than you. And yet, it seems, he isn’t. What if you *don’t* take responsibility for him? What if you insist that *he* has to take responsibility for *you*? I think he wants to… but he isn’t managing it yet. Will he pull it together? Or will he be another person who abandons you? No wonder you’re grieving already. I want him to pull it together. I want him to prove that he’s the person who can be for you what you need: a solid place of refuge. I’m sure he’s capable of it. Tell him we babblers expect a lot from him because we think highly of him! (And if he’s not in therapy he probably needs to do some pronto.)
And you say:
> I can't seem to reconcile what my gut wants, and what my brain wants.
That was my realisation when I started therapy. My gut and my brain were working to different agendas… I always wanted my gut to catch up with my brain, but I’m finding that in fact it’s easier if I let my brain inform my gut without trying to change my gut feelings. Usually neither of them is 100% right… trying to find a compromise between them seems to work a bit better for me.But what do I know? I don’t really know what I’m saying at the moment… If I’m talking complete nonsense, please ignore me or yell at me, but don’t take it to heart.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:581098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581335.html