Posted by allisonross on October 26, 2005, at 13:32:35
In reply to Re:Tamar: Bending Boundaries/or: Abusing Mysel » allisonross, posted by Tamar on October 26, 2005, at 10:21:48
>Hi, Tamar! Hi again,
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> >.....sex exploitation/sex contact includes: suggestive remarks, sitting too close. I'll find that quote and write again, so I get the wording properly. He does the double-entendre innuendo stuff; he has (recently gotten physical)...maybe I will write more about this later.
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> Yes, your definition makes sense. I guess I’m still trying to picture the context. Does he make suggestive remarks and innuendo in inappropriate situations? Well, we BOTH flirt like crazy (that chemistry is on.....kill)....Does he do it in response to things you’ve said? He does it with...or without a response from me. I’m not sure what you mean when you say he has recently gotten physical. Has there been hugging? Unfortunately the hugging thing is a real bugaboo with me; after a year of hugs, he stopped because (I had confronted him on something he said---confrontation being excruciatingly difficult for me, but i have trained myself to do it; I know if I do not, it is abusing myself), so after the little "blow-up"---we talked, etc....he said he realized the innuendos and so on, and he didn't feel comfortable in hugging me (anymore), because HE didn't want it to feel too good. So, i feel it is cruel not to give someone a hug, etc....I want it very much (I even have an article for him to read regarding that subject; parallelling another woman's experience, and saying she "felt like a scolded child" when her t stopped hugging her; taking away something that was important to her....i told my t that it was never a sexual thing for me (apparently it was for him); I am going to give him the article shortly. There isn;t anything that shocks him, (I get shocked...a lot! LOL....or...that he won't discuss---authentic) Is it something you want or not? Or perhaps you want it but don’t want it at the same time? Oh, I WANT it, and have been, for a year and a half.... And I’m hearing some mixed messages: on the one hand you say he told you it was starting to look like a personal relationship, but on the other hand you say he talked to you about time boundaries. It's as i had said to a friend, it is the "Push me, pull me thing"----Come here, go away, etc......professional vs. personal/social....So it sounds as if you’re not sure what his intentions are. It’s his job to make sure things are clear to you, but I suppose it’s also up to you to ask him to clarify things. Oh, I know this, just can't go there now.
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> I think part of it is about context and part of it is about how you feel. If you feel humiliated about the double-entendres and innuendo, or if you feel you would rather he didn’t talk like that, then maybe you should tell him you feel uncomfortable. No, I LOVE it; it's fun....But if when he says those things you feel flattered and attractive, then … well, I guess you should still talk about how you feel… this is therapy after all!
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> I think there’s a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment. I don't see it as sexual harrassment, because that is UN-wanted behavior; i am enjoying the heck out of it!! It’s like the difference between someone telling you that you look like a model and someone telling you that you look like a stripper. Either way, they like how you look, but one is more of a compliment than the other.
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> If you make flirtatious remarks and he responds by flirting gently back, then perhaps he’s doing it because he wants you to feel comfortable about yourself. He already knows I am comfortable with...and...about myself; as I told him "comfortable in my skin" I don’t think a little bit of mild flirting in therapy is inherently harmful; I think it can be helpful for women who have a profound sense of worthlessness. I love myself, and feel i am my own best friend (except for allowing myself to be exploited 'cause I need that stuff) haveBut at some point I think he’d be wise to ask you about how you feel when you’re being flirtatious if it’s something you do a lot. There’s nothing wrong with being flirtatious, of course, but for some people it becomes difficult to relate to the opposite sex in any other way, and that can get in the way of forming more balanced relationships. And a lot of flirting can be an indication that a woman sees herself as an object that people do things to, (nahhh) rather than as someone who makes her own decisions about what she wants. Not necessarily, but sometimes.
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> If you feel flattered and sexy when he talks like that, but at the same time a little bit as if you’re not completely in control, (I -underline the word....I...am the one in control, and it's so amusing, he says he is "always in control," but either he is out of control with what he is doing, or "in control"---either one isn't very good! then I think you really need to speak to him about it. It’s not unusual for women with a history of abuse to find flirting enjoyable and bit frightening at the same time. I tease and flirt (in a gentle way with others) a lot; I enjoy it and it's fun and harmless (except with the t, doncha know)....my t says I am "dangerous' cause I do things in a subtle way! And that’s definitely the sort of thing therapy should be able to help with.
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> Does that make sense? Or have I misunderstood what's going on?
> Sure, it makes sense......I will give you ONE example of the double entendres (without me making any comments; came out of the blue)...i bring candles (so peaceful), and he allows it....he went to light them and said: "isn't it amazing how these wicks are all lying down, and you light a fire on them, and they all stand right up?......then he says: "But you wouldn't know anything about wicks standng up....would you." As naive as I can be, I picked that up---immediately...and you would need to see his face, and the inflection in his voice, and it would be unmistakable! Smiles, Alice
> Tamar
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poster:allisonross
thread:571768
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/572103.html