Posted by Tamar on October 26, 2005, at 10:21:48
In reply to Re:Tamar: Bending Boundaries/or: Abusing Mysel, posted by allisonross on October 26, 2005, at 8:17:09
Hi again,
>.....sex exploitation/sex contact includes: suggestive remarks, sitting too close. I'll find that quote and write again, so I get the wording properly. He does the double-entendre innuendo stuff; he has (recently gotten physical)...maybe I will write more about this later.
Yes, your definition makes sense. I guess I’m still trying to picture the context. Does he make suggestive remarks and innuendo in inappropriate situations? Does he do it in response to things you’ve said? I’m not sure what you mean when you say he has recently gotten physical. Has there been hugging? Is it something you want or not? Or perhaps you want it but don’t want it at the same time? And I’m hearing some mixed messages: on the one hand you say he told you it was starting to look like a personal relationship, but on the other hand you say he talked to you about time boundaries. So it sounds as if you’re not sure what his intentions are. It’s his job to make sure things are clear to you, but I suppose it’s also up to you to ask him to clarify things.
I think part of it is about context and part of it is about how you feel. If you feel humiliated about the double-entendres and innuendo, or if you feel you would rather he didn’t talk like that, then maybe you should tell him you feel uncomfortable. But if when he says those things you feel flattered and attractive, then … well, I guess you should still talk about how you feel… this is therapy after all!
I think there’s a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment. It’s like the difference between someone telling you that you look like a model and someone telling you that you look like a stripper. Either way, they like how you look, but one is more of a compliment than the other.
If you make flirtatious remarks and he responds by flirting gently back, then perhaps he’s doing it because he wants you to feel comfortable about yourself. I don’t think a little bit of mild flirting in therapy is inherently harmful; I think it can be helpful for women who have a profound sense of worthlessness. But at some point I think he’d be wise to ask you about how you feel when you’re being flirtatious if it’s something you do a lot. There’s nothing wrong with being flirtatious, of course, but for some people it becomes difficult to relate to the opposite sex in any other way, and that can get in the way of forming more balanced relationships. And a lot of flirting can be an indication that a woman sees herself as an object that people do things to, rather than as someone who makes her own decisions about what she wants. Not necessarily, but sometimes.
If you feel flattered and sexy when he talks like that, but at the same time a little bit as if you’re not completely in control, then I think you really need to speak to him about it. It’s not unusual for women with a history of abuse to find flirting enjoyable and bit frightening at the same time. And that’s definitely the sort of thing therapy should be able to help with.
Does that make sense? Or have I misunderstood what's going on?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:571768
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/572052.html