Posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
I've been struggling with longing, attachment and intimacy in therapy ... the usual. Part of the struggle for me is just talking about these issues with my T, the person I care so much about.
Here is the abbreviated conversation I had with my T on Friday (all sobs, silences and struggles were deleted!):
Me: I want to understand how will I be able to leave therapy one day, when I am so attached to you.
T: By doing what we are doing, talking about these feelings.
Me: I feel so selfish. That you give me so much and I cannot reciprocate. (pause) And I care so much about you and know nothing about you.
T: What do you want to know?
Me: (purposely avoiding answering that question) I know all the good things about you (referring to her kindness, patience, smarts, etc.)
T: I think you know a lot about me by coming here 3 times a week.
Me: (change topic) I was feeling really blue this week. Like I was a 4 year old preschooler holding herself together all day waiting for her mom to come and pick her up, and then falling completely apart when she comes.
T: How did that feel?
Me: Safe.
T: Safe? (pause) What do you mean by "falling apart"?
Me: I can finally relax and be myself, now everything will be okay. I'm understood.
T: So that's a good feeling!
Me: (long pause) But I don't get to see you everyday.
T: So you missed me (big smile). (pause) Earlier today you mentioned that you feel selfish in this relationship. And you have just given me the biggest gift a person can give another, the gift of their heart and soul. And I am sure you tried to give that same gift to your mother when you were that little girl, and she was not able to receive it. But I am.
Me: (heavy sigh)
I keep going over that session all weekend. I'm sure I missed certain things she said or conveyed. But I feel like I took a leap of faith
by comparing myself to that preschooler, and she handled it perfectly. I surprised myself when I replied "But I don't get to see you everyday." I told her it killed me to admit to that, she smiled.Just wanted to share that the gift of therapy is powerful.
poster:Annierose
thread:562009
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/562009.html