Posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
I've been writing stuff down for my new T because it's easier for me to get it out that way, and he's been great about just reading it, and not making me read it. then we talk about it. well last time we started to get into some of the messy stuff, like when i was raped, and my mom saying, "why didn't you just run away, it's what i would have done?" and asking a friend's dad, who was a police officer, if i had done anything to cause it.
Anyway, i started really thinking about how my dad was with me, and how he was with my siblings, there were 4 of us. recently i talked to my sister about this. she was 9 years older, and she told me she knew my dad loved her, so did i. i told her it was hard to be on the other end of that, knowing i wasn't loved. he was so sadistic to me, even as a small child. when i was 3 or 4, and we were at the pool, i was sitting on the side, and he was throwing my brothers, he called out to me, "whale on the beach!" i was chubby, but not fat. the name he called me by was really hurtful. when i would walk into a room he would just glare at me until i'd leave. he'd hit, pinch, and pull my hair till i'd cry, and then he'd make fun of me for crying. he'd grab me by the hair and shove food in my mouth. he'd scream at me, and hit me, then laugh, and i wouldn't know when he was going to hit me again. of course there's so much more, this is just the tip of it. i think of this, and then i think of how nice he was to my sister and my brothers, and it's so painful.
my mom discounted all of my emotions and never allowed me to feel anything, or have an opinion of my own. she didn't want me to have happiness. she used me to lash out at and to bash my dad. even when he was dying she hated me for seeing him, considered it a betrayal. she told me our wedding day was the worst day of her life.
so, is this flooding? what is it, and what am i supposed to do with it? i have so much anger and so much hurt. lately i've been yelling at my kids more, which is why i started therapy, i didn't want to do that to them, and today my oldest daughter said sometimes i bite her head off. we talked, but i told her i can't undo any pain i've already inflicted, and i told her i was so sorry. i told her i don't want her to remember me the way i remember my parents. we have a good relationship and i haven't gotten mad in about a month, but if i have these outbursts, even now and then, they'll end up feeling the same about me.
i feel like i'm either thinking about what happened as a kid, or thinking about therapy ALL the time, is that normal? Should i try to NOT do that, should i distract myself? and should i tell my T that it seems to be consuming me? i feel kind of defective.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:553383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/553383.html