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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
I've been writing stuff down for my new T because it's easier for me to get it out that way, and he's been great about just reading it, and not making me read it. then we talk about it. well last time we started to get into some of the messy stuff, like when i was raped, and my mom saying, "why didn't you just run away, it's what i would have done?" and asking a friend's dad, who was a police officer, if i had done anything to cause it.
Anyway, i started really thinking about how my dad was with me, and how he was with my siblings, there were 4 of us. recently i talked to my sister about this. she was 9 years older, and she told me she knew my dad loved her, so did i. i told her it was hard to be on the other end of that, knowing i wasn't loved. he was so sadistic to me, even as a small child. when i was 3 or 4, and we were at the pool, i was sitting on the side, and he was throwing my brothers, he called out to me, "whale on the beach!" i was chubby, but not fat. the name he called me by was really hurtful. when i would walk into a room he would just glare at me until i'd leave. he'd hit, pinch, and pull my hair till i'd cry, and then he'd make fun of me for crying. he'd grab me by the hair and shove food in my mouth. he'd scream at me, and hit me, then laugh, and i wouldn't know when he was going to hit me again. of course there's so much more, this is just the tip of it. i think of this, and then i think of how nice he was to my sister and my brothers, and it's so painful.
my mom discounted all of my emotions and never allowed me to feel anything, or have an opinion of my own. she didn't want me to have happiness. she used me to lash out at and to bash my dad. even when he was dying she hated me for seeing him, considered it a betrayal. she told me our wedding day was the worst day of her life.
so, is this flooding? what is it, and what am i supposed to do with it? i have so much anger and so much hurt. lately i've been yelling at my kids more, which is why i started therapy, i didn't want to do that to them, and today my oldest daughter said sometimes i bite her head off. we talked, but i told her i can't undo any pain i've already inflicted, and i told her i was so sorry. i told her i don't want her to remember me the way i remember my parents. we have a good relationship and i haven't gotten mad in about a month, but if i have these outbursts, even now and then, they'll end up feeling the same about me.
i feel like i'm either thinking about what happened as a kid, or thinking about therapy ALL the time, is that normal? Should i try to NOT do that, should i distract myself? and should i tell my T that it seems to be consuming me? i feel kind of defective.
fw
Posted by rainbowbrite on September 10, 2005, at 21:06:07
In reply to Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
> I've been writing stuff down for my new T because it's easier for me to get it out that way, and he's been great about just reading it, and not making me read it. then we talk about it. well last time we started to get into some of the messy stuff, like when i was raped, and my mom saying, "why didn't you just run away, it's what i would have done?" and asking a friend's dad, who was a police officer, if i had done anything to cause it.
>
> Anyway, i started really thinking about how my dad was with me, and how he was with my siblings, there were 4 of us. recently i talked to my sister about this. she was 9 years older, and she told me she knew my dad loved her, so did i. i told her it was hard to be on the other end of that, knowing i wasn't loved. he was so sadistic to me, even as a small child. when i was 3 or 4, and we were at the pool, i was sitting on the side, and he was throwing my brothers, he called out to me, "whale on the beach!" i was chubby, but not fat. the name he called me by was really hurtful. when i would walk into a room he would just glare at me until i'd leave. he'd hit, pinch, and pull my hair till i'd cry, and then he'd make fun of me for crying. he'd grab me by the hair and shove food in my mouth. he'd scream at me, and hit me, then laugh, and i wouldn't know when he was going to hit me again. of course there's so much more, this is just the tip of it. i think of this, and then i think of how nice he was to my sister and my brothers, and it's so painful.
>
> my mom discounted all of my emotions and never allowed me to feel anything, or have an opinion of my own. she didn't want me to have happiness. she used me to lash out at and to bash my dad. even when he was dying she hated me for seeing him, considered it a betrayal. she told me our wedding day was the worst day of her life.
>aww Fairywings, Im so sorry that sounds awful to have gone through.
> so, is this flooding? what is it, and what am i supposed to do with it? i have so much anger and so much hurt. lately i've been yelling at my kids more, which is why i started therapy, i didn't want to do that to them, and today my oldest daughter said sometimes i bite her head off. we talked, but i told her i can't undo any pain i've already inflicted, and i told her i was so sorry. i told her i don't want her to remember me the way i remember my parents. we have a good relationship and i haven't gotten mad in about a month, but if i have these outbursts, even now and then, they'll end up feeling the same about me.
Is there anyway you could leave when you start feeling like yelling? It prevents you saying anything you regret, just interupt the situation and tell your kids you have to be alone and then go for a walk or a coffee till you calm down. I lose my temper sometimes like that and I have found removing myslef from the situation however I have to, to be the best way to avoid saying things/yelling that I would regret later.> i feel like i'm either thinking about what happened as a kid, or thinking about therapy ALL the time, is that normal? Should i try to NOT do that, should i distract myself? and should i tell my T that it seems to be consuming me? i feel kind of defective.
> fwPersonally I think that this is something that happens with therapy. Therapy seems to bring everything to the surface (flooding?) and it sits with us indefinately. Thoughts and therapy seem to take control.
Yeah, Id say the best thing would be to distract yourself. distraction is a really good bandaid. I would tell your T.(((fairywings)))
Posted by happyflower on September 10, 2005, at 21:28:30
In reply to Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
((((((fairywings))))))) Oh my gosh, I can't believe what you have been through. Is your dad my moms brother or something? I know how that kind of stuff feels coming from a parent. It sounds like your dad was like my mom and your mom was like my dad.
I know when I first started therapy, my past was on my mind all the time. Therapy was on my mind constantly. It could of been the PTSD too. Because I was having nightmares everynight of my mom trying to kill me or take away my kids. SO I didn't get any sleep and was afraid to go to store shopping in case I would run into my mom. Writing seemed to help me sort out the stuff and get it all out. EMDR caused my flooding. I started to remember all kinds of stuff good and bad about my past.It is so hard, it is like you are almost reliving the stuff. My whole family has been affected by me going through therapy. But now I can say it was worth it because I am a better mom and wife because of it. But in the beginning, I didn't do much except think about therapy all the time.
Trying to keep busy is what is helping me get through my marriage problems and thinking about it so much.
Have you been exercising? Maybe you need a good workout. I know you were exercising a lot before.
I think what you are going through is normal. How about seeing if you can get in to see your T earlier next week. Or how about calling him to see if he can calm you down. I am worried about you but what you are experiencing is normal.
Keep writing Jazzy, I care, we all care about you! :) Let us help!
Posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 21:29:32
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger*** » fairywings, posted by rainbowbrite on September 10, 2005, at 21:06:07
Thanks rain, it was my normal, so it wasn't so bad.
i do get out when i start to feel that way. i've told the kids that i went into therapy because i started feeling angry and i didn't know why, and that it didn't have anything to do with them. i love my kids, they are awseome and they know i feel that way. i tell them all the time. i haven't yelled in a month, so it's better. i have 4 kids, and the youngest is 2, so i had to tell the older ones that if i feel mad, they have to take over until i get over it, so i don't yell at anyone, and i get over it really quickly, so it's not like i'm away for long.
So, i guess i should just try not to think about all this stuff, and clean my house, or weed my garden. get my mind off of it. today my girls and i played cards. They are so funny, they cheat when i'm not looking, on purpose to see if i'll notice, then they both laugh when i figure out somethings not right. i am blessed to have a family that puts up with all my crap.
thanks rain,
fw
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2005, at 22:20:13
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 21:29:32
> Thanks rain, it was my normal, so it wasn't so bad.
>
> i do get out when i start to feel that way. i've told the kids that i went into therapy because i started feeling angry and i didn't know why, and that it didn't have anything to do with them. i love my kids, they are awseome and they know i feel that way. i tell them all the time. i haven't yelled in a month, so it's better. i have 4 kids, and the youngest is 2, so i had to tell the older ones that if i feel mad, they have to take over until i get over it, so i don't yell at anyone, and i get over it really quickly, so it's not like i'm away for long.
>
> So, i guess i should just try not to think about all this stuff, and clean my house, or weed my garden. get my mind off of it. today my girls and i played cards. They are so funny, they cheat when i'm not looking, on purpose to see if i'll notice, then they both laugh when i figure out somethings not right. i am blessed to have a family that puts up with all my crap.
> thanks rain,
> fwYou sound like a great Mom fairywings(cool name by the way). I think the number one important thing is to talk to you kids (at a level they'll understand). It is a gift to your children. They can know they don't have to be perfect and thats ok. Thet got a Mom that really loves them and takes time for them. i am trying to do the same for mine. I hope I haven't done too much damage earlier with my 'outbursts'(to put it kindly). my kids seem to be doing better, I think my boy was a little messed up by my behavior but he's doing better now. I try not to torture myself over it. I tell myself the stuff I just wrote. Take care. Its nice to know I'm not alone in all this crapola.
Posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 22:35:56
In reply to Good Mom! » fairywings, posted by muffled on September 10, 2005, at 22:20:13
thanks muffled, i hope you get your stuff worked out too. it's hard to think for one second that our kids are hurt by our stuff. they are so small and helpless. i know when i have looked in my sons eyes and seen hurt, it cuts right through me and i take him and hug him. i always apologize if i do anything wrong. today when they said i yell sometimes, i said "you're absolutely right, i was wrong to do it, i'm so sorry, and i'm going to therapy trying to get help, i don't want to do that to you." before this summer i didn't yell, i hate yelling, it makes me cringe. i don't know why it came up now, but you know like i do that we have to stop. i hope your son's okay. you're a good mom too to see it and get help.
fw
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2005, at 22:45:53
In reply to Re: Good Mom! » muffled, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 22:35:56
Posted by gardenergirl on September 11, 2005, at 9:23:33
In reply to Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
Hi fairywings,
My T has told me before that when you are doing really hard work in therapy, your psyche is kind of opened up more of the time. So that allows more stuff to leak out, and that can be upsetting and disconcerting.I'm glad he told me this, because there was a time that I thought I was going a bit "nuts" when my thoughts and senses seemed more open and almost loose in associations. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it felt like I was just more intuitive, and it was uncomfortable.
At any rate, it's important to take extra special care of yourself at times like this. Go easy and get plenty of rest and nourishment of all kinds.
And I agree, you sound like a very good mom!
gg
Posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 11:22:50
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger*** » fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on September 11, 2005, at 9:23:33
thanks gg, you're so kind, i want so much to be a good mom to my kids i love them SO much. i'd die for them, but if not that, then therapy! ; ) LOL And they are awesome kids!
my brain doesn't work, i just don't understand what's supposed to happen. i guess i better go back and ask him. he asked me the first appt if i wanted to know the process, and i opted for another question - he offered to answer several! ; ) too many questions, too little time!
fw
Posted by rainbowbrite on September 11, 2005, at 18:53:54
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 21:29:32
FW
you sound like a great mother! And it sounds like you have a wonderful family who loves you dearly.
Posted by daisym on September 11, 2005, at 21:00:11
In reply to Flooding ***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 19:56:12
I've been writing stuff down for my new T because it's easier for me to get it out that way, and he's been great about just reading it, and not making me read it. then we talk about it.
***I've heard a number of people talk about not reading their writings to their therapists. Since you are working on forming this relationship, I'm glad he is working at your comfort level. I'm wondering though, how it would feel to read your writings out loud with him listening? You aren't reading to him, just reexperiencing the words in a safe place to also feel the feelings behind the words. I found this to be very helpful, though I admit hard sometimes.
so, is this flooding? what is it, and what am i supposed to do with it? i have so much anger and so much hurt. lately I've been yelling at my kids more, which is why i started therapy, i didn't want to do that to them, and today my oldest daughter said sometimes i bite her head off. we talked, but i told her i can't undo any pain I've already inflicted, and I told her I was so sorry. i told her i don't want her to remember me the way i remember my parents. we have a good relationship and i haven't gotten mad in about a month, but if i have these outbursts, even now and then, they'll end up feeling the same about me.
***I don't think this is flooding. I agree with everyone that it is normal to think about therapy and your internal life more when you are doing this work. I think part of the frustration comes in when you want to try to think about this stuff uninterrupted but can't with kids. Therapy is a place that is all yours, where you can think about things. The opposite of the two situations can make you tense. And the general distraction of old memories and sad thoughts can too.
Flooding, in my experience, is when you get hit with a tidal wave of emotions connected to your memories or experiences. You can get flooded by lots of things. What I was cautioning against was sitting for 10 hours, 5 days straight and only thinking about negative experiences. When you have all these emotions built up, releasing them can be overwhelming. That is why in many of the recommended books about trauma and abuse there are chapters on the "crisis stage." You really do feel like you are coming apart and sinking under all the feelings.
I think you are underestimating your children and their capacity to forgive. Kids need to know you love them and if you say you are sorry and are present with them most of the time, yelling at them occasionally is not going to damage your relationship nor make them hate you. On the contrary, they will learn that anger doesn't erase love and it doesn't last forever. Cut yourself some slack.
i feel like i'm either thinking about what happened as a kid, or thinking about therapy ALL the time, is that normal? Should i try to NOT do that, should i distract myself? and should i tell my T that it seems to be consuming me? i feel kind of defective.
***(((Fairywings))) Not defective at all! I think distraction, living your life is important. But sometimes therapy is at the forefront and takes over for a while. I complain about this sometimes, telling my therapist that I think therapy is too important -- he usually answers "maybe it needs to be right now." But, we did (and do) work on strategies to help me contain these emotions and not fall apart or lose it so often. So yes, tell your therapist that you are being consumed. It may be that you are pushing too hard, too fast. It may be that you need extra supports. My best way of containing is writing. Journaling gives me perspective and a way to store my feelings. I've carved out time for that, just like I have for therapy.I wish you didn't have such hard stuff to work on. But I'm glad you are reaching for support here. I'll hold your hand as much as you need/want it.
Posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 23:10:09
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger***, posted by daisym on September 11, 2005, at 21:00:11
>>I'm wondering though, how it would feel to read your writings out loud with him listening?
i just couldn't do that, i understand what you're saying, that i would really feel it, and i know this is true, especially with what i have to hand him this week, but i just can't reexperience them in his office. tonight something happened with my daughter, and when i went up to take a shower, i just felt like i could feel every nerve in my body, and i was so angry that my father was dead and that i couldn't confront him.
i talked to my husband and i cried, but i don't want do that with my new T, not yet, i'm just not ready for that. I had been thinking about a couple of incidents in particular one was when i was younger, maybe 4. and one was when i was in high school after i was raped, and was having trouble eating. my dad grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the table and shoved food into my mouth and made me gag on it. my brother had company over. i cried and just sat there humiliated and choking with this crap all over my face and clothes. my brother’s friend was, very uncomfortable; i remember seeing his face. i can still see his face in my head.
>
>
>
> Flooding, in my experience, is when you get hit with a tidal wave of emotions connected to your memories or experiences. You can get flooded by lots of things. What I was cautioning against was sitting for 10 hours, 5 days straight and only thinking about negative experiences.i get hit with the overwhelming feelings for maybe an hour at a time, not 10, the thoughts are with me most of the time, i can't seem to shake them, but because i'm with the kids, i do have other things on my mind, which is a relief, but also can be aggitating, do you know what i mean? it's like trying to be in two places at once. I get sensory overload. Today i had to take my daughter and her friends out for school stuff, and i had such incredible anxiety i could hardly stand it. when i got home i had to lock myself in a room to get away alone, again, i felt every nerve in my body.
>>It may be that you are pushing too hard, too fast. It may be that you need extra supports. My best way of containing is writing. Journaling gives me perspective and a way to store my feelings.i just think it was time, you know, what you said before about the timeline? this has been coming up for a long time. it feels like i'm vomiting it all up, sorry for the analogy, seems like i use that one a lot. yuck! i journal a lot too. way too much time spent doing that, too little time doing other stuff i should be doing!
>
> I wish you didn't have such hard stuff to work on. But I'm glad you are reaching for support here. I'll hold your hand as much as you need/want it.thanks! i feel like a total weiner! ; ) i really appreciate the hand though, and you always say the kindest things.
fw
Posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 23:47:04
In reply to Re: Flooding ***trigger*** » daisym, posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 23:10:09
Sorry to hear about your struggles I can relate. I was going to T. 1x/wk and she had suggested at one time letting 2 wk. go by. I of course immediately assumed she was trying to dump me, and of course didn't say anything.(see I'm a weiner!). Anyhow the long and the short of it is, that its a good idea for me to take a wee break now and again. I just get too wound up in all the STUFF. Just going to the T. and its associated anxieties is more stuff. When I take a week off its like I go back to my old life which isn't the best, but it helps me to get out of my head for awhile and to stiop obsessing and worrying and thinking about going to T., what I'm gonna say, what the hells wrong with me anyways etc. So, that is how it is for me anyhow.
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