Posted by Tamar on September 3, 2005, at 21:31:20
In reply to Re: Where we left off...........***trigger***, posted by fairywings on September 3, 2005, at 21:09:36
Hi fairywings,
I think it’s amazing that you talked about it with your husband. It seems to me that it’s great that you were able to do that.
> Thank you everyone for responding to me. I ran the issues by my husband this evening. He knew basics but not details, he knew my parents well enough to know it was difficult. Tonight I explained why my mom blamed me for my parents affair after I was raped, and then their divorce. And how I ended up with a shrink who wasn't good for me, and what led to the SI, which only happened once, but still haunts me.
It sounds as if there’s a lot you need to talk about in therapy. The situation you describe is truly awful (and sadly not uncommon as far as I can tell). I imagine it could take a while to get through all this stuff in therapy, and I can also imagine that it could be scary to contemplate it. But if you build a trusting relationship with your therapist I really think it’s possible.
> It took me a little over an hour to tell him, leaving out the details of the rape. He agrees it's important to tell my T because it's such a huge part of what happened to me, he was shocked and hurt for me, and thought leaving it out leaves a huge gap in my history - age 15 - 17, and a lot of hurt and anger. He understands now why I can't just "let go", like he has always wanted me to do; he knows he still doesn't know everything.
>
> Anyway,
>
> Annie, I hope you are right, I hope telling him is healing somehow. Telling my husband was really hard, and afterwards I just felt dirty.Yeah, it’s hard to get that stuff out to someone as close as a husband. I think you’ve been really brave. And the feeling of being dirty is very normal. Talking about that in therapy can be really helpful (at least, that was my experience).
> Thanks falls, I think it would be good to tell him that it was my perception that my last T acted as if this was off limits because it does make it more difficult for me to talk about this. As a matter of fact, I hate to admit this to anyone, but the appt. when I told the last T about the rape, was the appt. when he took the personal phone call! I think if this T knew that, he'd be outraged, and rightfully so, but I don't want to see him outraged. I don't want to discuss the rape with him because of that, it was not beneficial to talk about it last time. I will tell him that it happened, and I will tell him why I won't talk about it now, but I won't discuss it, maybe sometime later. I have my reasons, there were other comments, and it didn't help. I know he wouldn't do the same thing, but.....well, you know.
I have to admit, I’m outraged that your former therapist took a phone call in a session where you were talking about your experience of rape. So I can imagine that your current therapist might be outraged. Maybe you don’t have to talk about it right now, but perhaps in the future? Sometimes I think other people’s responses when we tell them about being raped can be almost as significant as the experience of rape. It seems to me that a bad response is a huge rejection, and just as depersonalising as being victimised.
Bear in mind that you’re still at the beginning of this relationship. You can take your time if you need to, or if you want to. If you want to get the measure of this therapist before you spill your heart out, that’s fine. When I started talking about my experiences of sexual violence I took it really slowly; I needed to be sure my therapist deserved my trust. So if you need time to get used to your therapist, I think that’s absolutely OK.
I hope he proves himself worthy of your trust.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:550256
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/550489.html