Posted by kerria on September 2, 2005, at 0:03:08
Today i finally made it to a therapy appt and talked with T about how it felt to read some stories that i had written for English class five years ago- before i was given a dx of DID and before i had therapy.
i was so much better then- i had hope- i had values that were absolute- not always changing with parts. There were times that i had 'breakdowns' all my life but after a few months they went away. There was a personality that i liked in the writings. i want to go back to that. Now i understand what my H means when he said that therapy ruined me.
My T became so defensive. Why he did is so much a mystery to me. It's me that's suffering because of the changes- not him. Therapy is unsuccessful for me - i can't face the past and i can't communicate with parts. These are all necessary for DID therapy. i reminded T that after the session HE will be fine.
i'm stuck. T said that it's like i have the worst of both worlds.
i know about DID but am not able to do the work for the treatment/cure. That's why it was worse for me to know about DID.if it were only possible to go back to the sweeter innocent hopeful person i was before, ignorantly thinking that i had a good childhood and that i had 'forgot' all the fun i had growing up. Now there's no way to work on it and T is so angry- he defends himself and i didn't accuse him of anything.
He said, You were _____+ _____ ( things that my personality would never do- Before you met me. "
Yes- just two months before, after i found that i had DID and parts started surfacing. Then there were terrible flashbacks, even taste and audio flashbacks body memories using the sense of taste and hearing.
My life became a nightmare and my personality changed for the worst when i was given a dx of DID. i'm not happy with where therapy has left me at all. You could say that it ruined me- i feel wrecked. And i can't understand why T was so defensive.Tears, i wish i could go back. Back to not knowing the bad things and living an innocent life. i wasn't so needy but was able to meet others needs in love. i wasn't having all these dark thoughts and dark parts against me.
Now i depend upon T - yesterday T didn't even call me back. i felt suicidal after seeing the pain management dr and finding out i'd have to live in pain for the next two weeks to the rest of my life. i can't handle that and T's not going to be always there for me. i needed to talk to someone- a crisis support person. we took diazapam and fell asleep but it may not have gone that way. i hate having to depeng upon T. He's just a person that only cares sometimes. It's not real. And he can't help me. Really - if i need to go inpatient- T always reminds me that i can't go to his hospital- it was a horrible place for me.
Why did i trade my good ignorant innocent personality for all the hopeless and psychologically painful, needy ones. why is my T so defensive? also- T can't help me as much as i need help. He's way too busy for that. now i'm stuck in a crisis i can't get out of :(
Please- if anyone has suggestions,
Thank you,
kerriai wish that T wouldn't be defensive but that he understood and cared about me more than himself.
poster:kerria
thread:549875
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/549875.html