Posted by daisym on August 23, 2005, at 15:10:58
In reply to Re: Confusing meltdown » Shortelise, posted by daisym on August 23, 2005, at 12:19:25
I don't think I even got through the first sentence of, "I'm a wreck but I feel so stupid for being this upset..." before the tears came. He let me talk myself out, since I was arguing both sides, before he jumped in. He told me it wasn't stupid, it was important. And that he thought that there were a couple of things in play:
1) Pulling back a little might unconsciously mean to me pulling back a lot. If I was Ok giving up a session, then maybe I could give up one more and then one more. He pointed out that I'd already given up my check in calls, so perhaps this felt like the beginning of the end. (Hmmm, just what you said ShortE.) There was a new flood of tears here so he knew he was on to something.
2) He said I have very high expectations for myself and my ability to cope gracefully with life's curves. I know that therapy helps me do that but I also feel that therapy is a crutch, which to me means I'm not up to par. He wondered if I could just see it as a necessary support right now, instead of an indulgence. He also said I might be testing myself to see how important he, and therapy, are to me; Does it still feel like a primal need? (yes!)
3) He thinks there is an element of punishment to this. I've been telling the stories again, only more bluntly and honestly. He said perhaps I was inflicting punishment upon myself (the younger parts) for telling...which is why my reaction and panic comes from such a young place. My worst fear about anyone finding out what was happening when I was young was that they would take away my dad or I would be rejected by my mom.My response to all this was that I felt a huge need to say, "I'm not done! I don't want to stop yet! Please don't leave me in the middle of this!" He nodded as if this made sense to him. I wish it did to me. Because he wasn't agreeing that I should cut back. And he clearly said we were still in the middle of things, with a lot to work on, so we weren't beginning termination.
I commented that I didn't understand why I was still crying, since we agreed to leave things as they are now, except make a time change on Tuesdays. He said he thought it was sort of like when a child gets lost in a big store and then is found again. There is relief and fear and some anger about being allowed to get lost in the first place. Total emotional fallout, not rational. So it was OK to cry and let go of it.
He gently (and oh so carefully) suggested that maybe all this upset was worth it, if it cemented for me how important our connection is and how OK it is for me to be this attached to him and to therapy. He said it takes a lot of attachment to work this deep with this much emotion. So he's glad for it.
At the end he said he was sorry I felt so lost but he was glad he was the one I was looking for, and very glad that he found me again. Me too.
poster:daisym
thread:545517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/545683.html