Posted by daisym on August 23, 2005, at 12:19:25
In reply to Re: Confusing meltdown » daisym, posted by Shortelise on August 23, 2005, at 11:04:09
It *does* help to read stuff, even if I only half know it.
I'm not sure why I'm having such a big fear reaction to something I initiated. I was journaling questions last night and one that I wrote down was "Am I hoping he will intervene and not allow me to derail myself or otherwise revert to old patterns?" But as I wrote that I know that I'm far enough a long in this process to recognize when I am sabotaging myself. I just can't always stop myself.
It terrifies me that I could be moving towards the end of this. And it terrifies me that I might not be near the end. That double edge sword again. Of course my therapist's interpretation is that I've gotten too close to him again, revealed some really intimate things and I'm protecting myself. He could be right.
It still doesn't explain the sudden tidal wave of panic that came over me last night. It felt like I quit outright, but that was so far from the truth. It is hard to make rational decisions when consumed by fear, isn't it?
I will talk to him. Want to bet he'll say "you just aren't ready to do this yet"? And he'll ask that horrible question, "what would it mean if you really did "just" want this, instead of need it and you let yourself have it anyway?" Urg. Maybe I don't really need a session this morning, I'm having it all by myself, and with you guys.
I still feel about 7 years old today. I even called in and I'm working from home for awhile. I can't face those grown-ups at work. :(
poster:daisym
thread:545517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/545637.html