Posted by daisym on August 21, 2005, at 19:10:26
In reply to Dasiy - how are you doing?, posted by annierose on August 21, 2005, at 17:12:29
Thanks for thinking of me Annie. I keep thinking I'll post but everything I write sounds mundane or whiny, so I erase it. The kid doesn't leave for 3 weeks, so I'm pretending like it isn't happening.
Things in therapy are hard, and yet I feel curiously detached this weekend. Like there was so much emotional overwhelm that I have to go cold again. Or maybe it is too much and I'm pulling back? I'm not sure.
I've been dreaming again and taking the dreams into therapy has been scary. There are parts and pieces of me that haven't been there before, like a baby. My therapist said it was interesting that I was bringing my infant self into therapy via the dreams. But as much as I want to talk about the dreams, when I start, I get overwhelmed with body sensations and pain and I feel sick to my stomach and my head hurts. It's just too hard!
We did attempt to give "little Daisy" her own session on Wednesday. Objectively, it was fascinating. We started with a journal piece that could only have been written about age 7 or so and worked from there. In allowing myself to drift back and really see and describe things I came to realize that I've held back whole parts of the stories. I kept saying, "I've told you this" and he would say, "not this part, not this way." There are a lot of "if I never had" or "I should haves" here -- culpability that is deeply felt. I told my therapist that I hate the look on his face when I tell these stories. He asked what the look was and I answered, "sadness. Some anger but mostly sadness." He nodded his head and said he isn't angry at me at all, but rather at my dad and more importantly, he feels sad because it is sad. But he said he can handle his own sadness, it wasn't for me to worry about.
But I do worry about it... I worry a lot. And I have no idea what to talk about tomorrow. Every subject feels dangerous. Any suggestions? The weather seems safe.
I hope you aren't sorry you checked on me. It was very sweet.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:544894
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544945.html