Posted by Tamar on August 21, 2005, at 17:55:40
In reply to Need and attachment, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2005, at 10:11:26
Hi Dinah,
I’m trying to work out if I’ve understood you right. When you talk about wanting to need your therapist, do you mean it’s the intensity of the need you want?
Could a different kind of intensity work for you? Like, for example, if you fell in love with him (it’s just an example; I know you can’t imagine falling in love with him).
I was interested when you said:
> The way I see it, need and fear of loss are to a therapeutic relationship what passion is to a romantic relationship. It's the glue to the attachment. It binds you closer to the other person, gives an intensity to the relationship.… because I don’t remember feeling that I *needed* my therapist. I mean, I knew I needed therapy in order to get healthier. But the intensity of my feelings sprung from wanting rather than needing. I *wanted* him. (I’m not talking about sex, just for once; although of course I wanted him in that way too.) I wanted to be in session with him; I wanted to look at his face, to hear his voice, to talk to him, to be understood by him. For me it was all about desire (not just the sexual kind). I wonder if that indicates a difference in the sorts of things we’ve been working on… for me it was about working on what I wanted; for you perhaps it’s about working on need and fear of loss. I know that I hate the thought of no longer wanting him, though after all these months I’m wanting him a little less. But I think you’re right that the thing that’s missing is the intensity of feeling.
> I think it's a bad thing that I've internalized him, grown stronger, and need him less. Growing up also comes to mind, but my therapist prefers that I avoid that term because I have such negative feelings about it.
Well, if that term comes to mind, maybe that’s the best term to use, and maybe it’s something you need to talk about. Maybe the negative feelings you have about your lack of need are similar to the negative feelings you have about growing up. If your childhood and teenage years were marred by need and loss, then you might well resist ‘growing up’ in therapy.
> The difference is that, ideally, when the passion ebbs from a committed romantic relationship, there are other things that bind two people close together. A shared life, shared love for children, memories, goals.
Yes… and I hope also some love for the other person, even if it’s not the passion it once was. Can it be similar in therapy? Can you experience love for each other, shared memories and shared therapeutic goals, with a little less intensity, and still enjoy your relationship?
> But what replaces need and fear of loss in a therapeutic relationship? Nothing. Or at least I can't think of anything that puts energy in a therapeutic relationship other than need, fear of loss, and passion (however unrequited). I wish I *were* in love with him, even though it would be unrequited, because it would provide that tie that binds. But I just don't feel that way about him. I don't really feel that way about anyone, but if I were able to, it wouldn't be him.
Interesting that you say you wish you *were* in love with him. In a way, it’s a sensible direction to take in ‘growing up’ in therapy. But maybe it’s going too far too fast. Maybe a better first step would be to try to find the intensity a person finds with like-minded friends. Maybe he’d grow new faces… I mean, as well as being your therapist/mommy he could be your therapist/best-friend. And I think we really do need our friends. I don’t see that you have to lose your therapist/mommy because he’ll always be there for you. But maybe he can be more than one thing to you; he can be the thing you need next in your journey, if that makes sense. I think I’ve really needed my friends at various points, and there were times when my friends were the most important thing in my life, even when I was quite small.
> He knows that in order to climb a ladder you have to give up the rung you're on to reach for the next rung. But he doesn't *know* that the next rung is worthless to me if I lose the rung I had. And I just can't seem to explain it to him.
I think the thing about a ladder is that it’s useless if the lower rungs fall off as you climb. You need the lower rungs to stay there so you can climb back down when you need to. And there will almost inevitably be times when you need to go down again. Perhaps internalizing him should guarantee that the lower rungs are securely attached to the ladder so that you can climb up a little, knowing as you climb that you can return to the ground if you need to. Perhaps you’re no longer standing on the lower rungs, but they’re still there if you need to use them again. I think that’s what you need to be sure of before you can move up the ladder. And you can climb very slowly if you like; you can keep checking the lower rungs are there. But nevertheless, you need the whole ladder, because your hands are on the upper rungs, keeping your feet secure on the lower rungs.
> I left him a series of voicemails Friday trying to explain this. He didn't call me back. I hadn't asked him to. But I have this sneaking fear that he's going to turn what I said into something icky again. :(
I hope he doesn’t turn it into something icky!
I dunno… maybe I’m way off the mark. But I think even if you don’t need him for the same reasons you used to, there are other ways to need him and other ways to make the connection. Perhaps it’s a question of finding out what that would look like and feel like.Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:544714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544917.html