Posted by Fallsfall on August 21, 2005, at 13:18:27
In reply to Re: Need and attachment » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2005, at 11:57:02
>And I can't really talk about it with him, because as many times as I try, I can't really convey that yes, I know there are good things about internalizing him and growing stronger, but they're nowhere near as valuable to me as the connection based on need was. So what I'm gaining is nowhere near as valuable to me as what I'm giving up. He knows that in order to climb a ladder you have to give up the rung you're on to reach for the next rung. But he doesn't *know* that the next rung is worthless to me if I lose the rung I had. And I just can't seem to explain it to him.
You need to keep talking to him about this. This *IS* your therapy. It may take 6 months to get him to understand what you mean (or actually, for the two of you to understand the same thing), but that time would be worth it.
*WHY* is this connection so critical to you? What do you get from the connection? What would it mean to your life to be without the connection? What would it mean if the connection changed into something else? Is the problem that you don't want to lose this connection or that you have something that is important to you and you don't want to lose something important?
Your question seems similar to my "what would happen if I stopped being depressed" question. It took months and months to go through my question, and it wasn't like all of a sudden he "understood" what I meant, nor that all of a sudden I "understood" what he meant. It was very much a process - a process that just kind of led us to a different place.
I guess this is the time when my therapist would say to you "Can you consider the possibility that you could have a meaningful life with a different connection to me?" My guess is that your first reaction to this question would be "No. I can't consider that" But the next question would be "Hypothetically, if we DID have a different connection, what would that mean?".
It was a very long, very repetitive process for me to see that I could be OK if I were no longer depressed. You have to be able to keep beating your head against the wall, even when it feels completely pointless. You feel yourself moving away from the connection (or the connection disolving), and that is terrifying to you. Very understandably.
Can you consider the possibility that at some point in the future you might be able to have a life worth living that has you having a different connection with him?
This is so hard, Dinah. But don't give up. Two years ago you couldn't have envisioned being where you are today. But you have gotten here.
(((((Dinah)))))
poster:Fallsfall
thread:544714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544765.html