Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 20:35:58
In reply to Attachment, posted by alexandra_k on August 18, 2005, at 18:44:14
Funny. That's exactly what I say about my mother. That she was a wonderful mother really, until I started to have a mind of my own. She saw me as her arm or her leg. A part of her. And parts of her aren't allowed to have minds of their own.
I used to think she supported me fully in every thing I did. Then I realized she didn't support me exactly, she lived through me. She became a scoutmaster and I had to stay in scouts because she enjoyed the social contact it led to. And she would keep telling me and everyone else how much I loved the scouts. I hated the scouts.
She was the only mother who didn't drop me off for ballet and leave. She sat there in one of the two chairs while the class of twenty or so kids practiced.
I won't even mention the final travesty of (supposedly) my hobby that she basically destroyed for me by becoming part of a political infighting disaster.
She would buy me toys that she wanted me to have, often years too young for me, rather than what I wanted me to have. I saw her doing the same thing with my son. Buying him toys not only years too young, but girls toys sometimes. Now she buys me clothes from a store I have consistently said I hated. The saleswomen call her and talk to her, and make her feel important. So she is convinced that I love the clothes from this shop, even though I say otherwise. "I know you say you don't like clothes from this shop, but I knew you'd love this petite (I'm 5'7") outfit!"
She would inform me of my preferences. For years she led me in prayer for the brother or sister *I* supposedly desperately wanted. I of course wanted no such thing. She was the one who wanted another child.
I don't *think* she was borderline though. I kind of wonder if she's narcissistic. Mostly I think she's just nuts.
I don't think I'm like her, though. Not in that way. She longed for social contact, but being socially inept, had to use me and my hobbies to reach others in a way that they couldn't exclude her. I hate social contact. :) I indulge my son, but I rarely buy him things I want him to have rather than things he wants, except maybe books. But I think moms are supposed to do that...
Did it affect my attachment style? I'm not sure. We were very close when I was young. But did I always know on some level that we were only close as long as I was part of her? Was I never really able to attach, because I was never really able to be separate enough to form an attachment? If you aren't an "I" and "you" how can there be an attachment?
poster:Dinah
thread:543620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543678.html