Posted by pinkeye on July 24, 2005, at 14:42:15
In reply to Re: Transference?, posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 23:18:17
Hi Susan,
I can really understand what you have written.. I am there myself many days too.!!!I don't know how to heal either from all the ruminations that happen in my head.. Being ashamed of myself, and trying desperately to get some little bit of approval and understanding from my ex T - and him being a complete black box, and not giving me any approval - I have been there. I sometimes so desperately longed for little bit of understanding and warmth and affection from him - hoping at least once he would write me a very detailed and approving email. But of course he never did. He did approve me when I saw him face to face long before, but I need it constantly.. I needed to be told again and again I am worthy, and I am good, that he liked me and that I am a good person.. I really needed that very badly - possibly due to intense lack of self acceptance. But of course he never gave me that.. Instead I think he got defensive, and thought I was being a nuisance I suppose - and he gave me the exact opposite - he said in the final termination email - "There is no question of me liking you or disliking you. I have been trying to be of help, and that is why I write this mail even this day.. You do not have to like or dislike someone to help them when requested".. Well, that was a death blow to my sense of self - All along I clung to a little bit of hope that he liked me, and him saying no to that, was a final collapsing thing for any sort of self acceptance I had.. I finally thought maybe I am not good at all, and I am not totally worthy of being loved or liked by anyone - not even my T.. I must be really really horrible for someone to say that to me in the final termination email.. (I am crying now as I write this).. That is why I have completely collapsed in the past 6 months.. and why I find it so hard to move on, and so desperately hurt - because of even the basic lack of self liking I suppose. I wished so desperately that my ex T would like me, so I could somehow transfer that liking to myself toward myself.. But till the end, I never got that approval I needed from him.
In a way, the same thing applies to you I guess. I think that is the reason why both of us hurt so badly over our ex Ts. Lacking this basic sense of self approval and self liking.. And perhaps both our ex Ts made the same mistake of being a complete black box, and not giving us what we needed so very badly to heal. They somehow chose to withhold their approval, and possibly it is because of some negative counter transference on their part.. and though we didn't perhaps do anything to deserve it, I guess we have to learn to somehow live with it, and heal ourselves without their support.. I have written to him 4 - 5 times after termination - intensely seeking some form of approval, and recognition or little bit of understanding and love, but of course, I didn't get any. And just like your therapist, my therapist also doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And it hurts really really badly.
Going to a woman T has helped me somewhat.. writing here helps me somewhat.. praying to God for some approval helps most of the time. Meditation also helps.. Maybe you can try some of this.
And I am trying to stay away from judging my ex T - he really tried to help me in the way he knew best. And your T also I think is basically a decent person - just that they don't know how to help people like us I suppose. And what you have written about your T being outwardly gentlemanly - everyone in the world needs approval, and if your T tries to get it by doing some good things, then I think that is fine. I wouldn't judge a person badly because they need some approval themselves - so far that they atleast try to get it by doing somethign good.
poster:pinkeye
thread:532118
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532776.html