Posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 23:18:17
In reply to Re: Transference? » Susan47, posted by crazy teresa on July 23, 2005, at 16:38:53
I'm thinking about that. I'm thinking about going back to this woman who does the EMDR... I seem to be easily triggered and I'm thinking because of that maybe EMDR is a good way for me to go, although I admit it seems a bit childish for some reason. Maybe because it feels simplistic.. but that doesn't mean it won't work. Thinking my way out of things doesn't help, I'm not a direct enough thinker, and I'm pretty certain I have some form of ADD. I'm also forgetful, I'm now off my MJ though and I'm feeling good about that.. but I admit I miss the high of feeling loved. I was on MJ when I fell "in love" with my last male therapist, and so sometimes those feelings come flooding back ... I really do miss them. And when they come back I feel so much sorrow, thinking none of them might have been real. They were wonderful. I don't know why drugs induce such wonderful feelings if none of them are real... surely the feelings come from somewhere. But I know that under the influence I don't think clearly, I make a lot of errors in calculation etc. What feels "right" when I'm under the influence can be very wrong IRL. And the truth is I did transfer very strongly to this therapist, and the transference was from some very bad, heavy emotional stuff. And I'm still transferring, even out of the relationship with the ex-T, and sometimes I still completely lose my sense of rationality, and I phone and rage at the machine. I really am sometimes a shameful, shameful mess. I'm embarrassed by my own behaviour, and yet I can hide it when I need to, i.e. at work or with friends. Alone, I don't feel I have to, I give in to my emotions, I let myself fall to pieces, but because I hate to be alone, I reach for the telephone to hear the voice, to be recorded, even if he erases and doesn't listen, I don't care. I just need some contact, no matter how false. I am so completely f*cked. I hate what this therapist allowed to happen. I wish he could help me. I wish he would even try. I think I have to come to some real conclusions that will be helpful to me. I'm working my butt off right now but as soon as I have some time, I may make the decision to go back into some type of therapy. I think I need to. Just to be happy. "Happy" is such a simple word .. h-a-p-p-y ... it isn't simple to achieve though.
poster:Susan47
thread:532118
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532486.html