Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 8:49:22
In reply to Re: But I don't want to be a jerk » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 16:53:30
I didn't say it was HARD to unlearn... it's IMPOSSIBLE.
Seems like the most pressing issue is going back to India for your father-in-law. Perhaps you can suggest a compromise to your husband. Like, "ok, how about we go back to India for a year and then return to the US after a year?"
He does need to understand that you will always have something to say about the choices that you make as a couple. But present this to him in a posistive way.
Praise him for bringing you to the US where you learned to be a strong equal "helpmate" to your husband. Tell him that you are happy that he was there alongside you while you learned that you are as capable as he at bringing money into your marriage and setting up a nice life to bring a child into. Turn your learning to be independent into "what's in it for him" and praise him for being so wise to bring you to the US. Make it all about HIM. He wants to know that he is "the man of the house", so give him what he wants! The praise, the aknowledgement of his success at helping his wife become an even better wife...
You know what I mean, I think... Generally speaking, men who hit do it to "prove their power". Tell him how powerful he is. Tell him that you think he is wise. And tell him that he never has to raise a hand against you anymore because he's taught you to be the strong, smart, wage earning woman he wanted.... Granted, he WANTS a doormat, but this probably won't occur to him while you are praising him. It's kind of like something you want to put in the middle of your praise, sneak in the "he doesn't have to hit you to teach you anymore" in the middle of your praise. THEN hit him with the compromise I suggested above...
Your situation is bad right now- trying something like this can't hurt... at best it will help.
poster:sunny10
thread:496916
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499806.html