Posted by shrinking violet on May 16, 2005, at 13:23:02
In reply to You didn't fail her » shrinking violet, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2005, at 8:50:53
First, Thank you {{{{{Dina, Poet, Happyflower, Shortelise}}}}}} for your encouragement. I appreciate it and need it more than you know.
I keep wavering on this "decision" which causes me to question my motives and motivation. In my head, it sounds tolerable. But taking any actual steps....my stomach turns to water and I start doubting everything.I saw my psych today....Today was supposed to be the last appointment, but she wants to see me Thursday too. I'm surprised at how honest I was....I told her of this sudden "change of heart" about going into IP, and for me, right now, it's either try that or just lay down and die, b/c I cannot stand this suspension anymore. I'm not sure how seriously they take me....I'm not sure whether to ultimately believe myself either, but, I want peace so badly that I think I'd do whatever I had to in order to get it.
When she brought up some tangible steps to take....calling the center for an evaluation appt, or seeing the head nurse there who might give me a little push into calling them....I told her I wasn't ready for either one yet. So, I don't know. And next week, I'll be all alone, on my own. If I couldn't do this in the two years I had multiple people around me who would have flown through hoops to help me do this, then I know there's no way I can do it on my own (well, ultimately, I'd be IP on my own, and have to DO it......but getting started seems the hardest part). So then that brings me back to my motives, whether this is just a last minute desperate attempt to forestall the inevitable and put off graduation for another semester? On the surface, no, but unconsciously...I don't know.
It's funny, b/c my psych today said she's always seen a strength in me, and she thinks that it just took the past couple of years for that strength to start to show itself (and maybe it needed a little push with the losing of my supports, etc). It's odd that she said that, b/c I've been imagining/feeling this small flicker of light (cliche, I know, bear with me), deep down (very deep, in my toes maybe). Maybe it's just that annoying innate survival instinct, maybe it's a genuine will to live, maybe it's a part of me that things I MIGHT deserve something a little better than what I'm giving myself now...whatever it is, I think my T put it there. I'm not sure whether to love her or curse her for it yet, though, and there's still a huge part of me that is trying to find any way to put the blasted thing out.
I also told my psych my desire to do this for my T (ahem, "ex" T). She seemed touched, said my T would be "dancing in her heart" and she reiterated my T's offer to help me with this IP thing if I wanted to involve her (not sure I do....I do, but, I don't want to bother her either. She's paid her dues with me, maybe best to leave her in peace). But then she said that she had lunch with my T on Friday afternoon (which was the last session with my T), and my psych made it sound like my T was fine, that she showed her the gifts I brought her, etc. So, I'm thinking, "Gee, my T doesn't miss me at all. She isn't broken up in the least bit that she'll never see me again. And she must feel okay about everything, so, no need to do anything for her now." Not that I want my T to feel badly, or like she failed me, or anything, but.....Am I the only one of the two of us who thinks the last session wasn't at all what it should have been given the intensity and depth of our work together? Am I the only one who questions what the hell the past couple of years with her have been *for* other than to make everything worse for me emotionally? Am I the only one who deeply misses the other?Apparently.
I just know I'm so very confused and panicked and sick and sad and afraid....and alone.
What am I going to do now, on my own? The past couple of years, I took for granted the people I had around me who would have helped, been there, held me up (and they have done that, but I never fully utilized any of it. I pushed it away, or twisted it, or threw it back at them in a childish tantrum). Now that I'm facing all of these changes, questions, options....there's no one there, and it's my fault. My stupidity and rigidity and stubborness.
I can't even, words can't even describe how deeply utterly desperately afraid I am right now.
And I miss my T so much, it hurts so badly..... I work at the library, which is next to the counseling center's building. And my final appts at Health Services is "down the hill" from my T's office building, and I can see it from there. I can see the window to her office....Someone help me.
:-(
poster:shrinking violet
thread:498415
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/498503.html