Posted by daisym on May 14, 2005, at 18:42:17
In reply to Re: Another pity part for me » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on May 14, 2005, at 16:26:09
I'm nursing a hang-over today. God's punishment for self-pity I guess. My husband said I looked dead last night and it scared him. All I could say was I was sorry about that. I felt dead inside.
I appreciate what everyone had to say and all the hugs. I don't think I have a vocabulary for anger so I don't know how to talk about it. And I guess i think I don't deserve to be angry about all of this. Some part of me thinks that if I had been doing my job better I could have headed this off at the pass. (OK, so I can't control the state budget but still...) I told my therapist I have been "distracted" and he said that is the understatement of the year. He said I've been "distracted, fragmented, suicidal, depressed, anxious, flooded with flashbacks" and a bunch of other things. My response was, "is that supposed to make me feel better?" He said no -- just that many people would have stopped working and I was still doing my job at least adequately from what he could see and he reminded me about the successes I have had over the past year. It was still very hard to hear. Harder to believe.
I think the other thing that is so distressing is that I think part of this anger is about how disruptive all this work stuff has been to my work in therapy. I feel side-swiped, like it was all yanked away and the past two years mean nothing. Or like I should have known better to attempt to resolve any of this. Maybe the Pdoc was right, maybe this just isn't the time for deep therapy. My life is so complicated. So why does typing that bring tears to my eyes?
Thanks again to all of you. It is nice to be cared for.
I love you all!
poster:daisym
thread:497568
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497805.html