Posted by daisym on May 13, 2005, at 23:02:33
This is a bad idea -- trying to post when I feel so darn low. So I came home and self medicated with margaritas (probably a no no with ADs but I kinda forgot) and I don't feel any better. Things are so out of control and I feel lost and alone.
Work has been horrid -- as the boss I'm taking the brunt of the fallout from the budget cuts. I cut hours and salaries and we'll stay alive, but I feel guilty and responsible for everything. I even laid off my assistant -- we've worked together for 18 years. So I'm devastated and without personal support. And the worst is that most everyone is taking it well, lots of tears but gracious and supportive of each other. It would be better if they yelled at me -- I'm sure that is to come.
Therapy is an equal nightmare. I'm stuck, wrapped tight, unable to talk about all of this much because I begin to cry and I won't allow myself to cry about it all. I open up and begin to start talking the last ten minutes of the session. Last night I got home and 20 minutes later I called up and said, "I know you are frustrated with me. Please don't give up on me." My therapist called back and said, "I'm not frustrated at all. I understand why you've pulled away and it's OK. I'll be here when you are ready." BUT IT IS NOT OK!
I just don't know how to let him help me. I don't even know what I want him to help with. Today he pushed me to begin to write again. Last weekend I shredded my journal and deleted all my electronic files. He said he felt punched in the stomach by that news. Like I'm trying to kill off a part of me. That part of me is hurting, because there is no space or time for "her" issues. I have to be the strong, false self I always have been. But now I don't really want to be. But I must be. I did write a little last night. But all that comes out on paper is despair and longing...and I see anger trickling in. I told him that today too...in a whisper, at the end of the phone call: "What if the blockage is anger? It seems to be coming out on paper, from all the parts of me." His answer was simply, "Well, there it is." What does that mean? Was he expecting it? How can this be OK? I don't think it is wise to be angry at a time like this -- anger is not productive. And if I can't talk in therapy now, if I've lost my connection to my therapist, how is allowing anger in the room going to help me reconnect? I'm scared I'll NEVER be able to reconnect, to trust him with these dark thoughts and feelings and I'll be alone with all this. Again.
*sigh* I think I'm about to the point where I just need to shut down and stop trying. If I don't feel anything, at least I won't hurt. I guess I thought margaritas would numb me out. They aren't working except to allow me to write this sappy post. You don't have to reply. There is nothing really to say. I shouldn't even post this. I just, selfishly, want someone else to know how deeply I'm hurting.
poster:daisym
thread:497568
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497568.html