Posted by shrinking violet on May 13, 2005, at 19:22:22
In reply to ????, posted by shrinking violet on May 13, 2005, at 17:21:20
...she gave me a book. a sweet gesture and i'll always treasure it b/c it came from her, and i hate to say this b/c i dont wnt to sound ungratefulor anything, but....it's a book on "taming" inner anger. i guess that's all i am to her, all she'll remember me for, that's the only word anyone will ever use to describe me. no matter what i do...talk, dont talk, cry, fidget, take meds,dont take them...it's always interpreted as anger by her, and my other treatment team members too. i'mangry, or trying to make them think i'm angry, or trying to make them angry at me.....
is that all i am? all this time together, eerythng we've been throughand struggled with and said and....that's the one word/concept she uses to sum all of that up?
i dont want that.
i guess she does see how horrible i am after all.i'm so sorry mj. sosorry. you'll never know....
ohhh that other weekend i posted was so much better than this....i didnt think it could have felt worse than that......and it hasnt even been 12 hours since i left her yet. feels like an eternity. and i keep thinking and remembering and wishing and regretting....
...i want the phone to ring so badly and it be her. but that'll never happen anymore (again, the irony, when i actually have stuff to express).
i'll never ever let anyone in again. how she manged to mean this much to me is beyond evenme. but i'm done with people. i'm finished with it all. i cant shoulder anymore, i really can't, but....maybe it's my punishment too. life is my punishment, maybe?
and why am i even bothering writing here. for someone who has "no words" i sure can't keep quiet. i should shut this thing down, along with my thoughts.
i'm sorry. i should put a trigger warning for this post.....can't even do that right.sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.......
poster:shrinking violet
thread:497356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497493.html