Posted by frida on April 28, 2005, at 7:06:40
In reply to Rescue Fantasy, posted by daisym on April 28, 2005, at 1:27:30
Daisy,
Hi, I don't think we have talked before, I've been here for some months now.I wanted to say that I feel so much with your posts and I'm always moved and would have liked to offer support before, but well here I am now :o)
I'm struggling with the same kinds of things in T at the moment,I could have written what you shared here...
I'm glad that you have such a wonderful, caring T. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful and loving therapist too.
After a long time, now I'm beginning to verbalize (with much difficulty) the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father.
What makes me feel a little hopeless is to feel this certainty in my heart that I won't ever find real relief if I can't find the way to take my T back to those moments and feel her and have her repair the hurt,isolation of the moment-after..I've been telling her in writing that I want this, that I want to repair that hurt...In my fantasy, what I want is to take her to that moment, finally re-live it and feel the emotions I had to hold back then, and have her there with me. I want her to take care of me, to hold me in her arms and let me rest and cry the way I craved so much when I was a child. (When I was a child, after those moments, I would close my eyes and imagine someone like a mother would come, ask me how i am , and give me relief and just hold me and stroke my hair and keep me safe like that).
I really have a deep need for my T to do that. In fact, it's the only way I feel I could get real relief to what happened. I feel that I need to repair that kind of hurt...of holding back the pain for years, year after year, and of not having a relief in between...of not being able to share the feelings, to tell someone,to be comforted after such an extreme situation.I do want to be rescued by her.
I don't have any sexual feelings for her, my feelings are mother-like.
Fortunately now I feel she does care about me and she has told me that she does love me and I feel it.But I have that strong strong need of being rescued and having her in the moment after. I haven't talked about it totally, but she does know some...the other day when I was trying and struggling to talk, she said that maybe she should get me a bed and that I would need to stay there to feel safe. (she said it half-jokingly). I haven't told her directly about my need to repair the hurt of that moment, but I have told her that I feel the need to take her to the moment and have her there with me and feel her with me so I can change that.
If I could be honest about what I would like from my T..
I would like to be able to tell her what happened, the way I so needed to do after each of those moments happened and I would like her to put her arms around me and rock me as a child and tell me I'm ok and I'll be ok and just let me cry the tears I was punished for in the past, and help me let out the pain I've carried for years and help me feel true relief...I would like her to be there with me in the moment after I was hurt and just hold me and let me cry safely and make me feel I matter. I would like to be safe in her hug and feel free to feel the hurt I've held inside for so long.
I don't think it is totally impossible,
just typing all this brings tears to my eyes.I wanted to say I relate to all that you shared..
sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I just wanted to share that I feel that too and I know how painful it can be and how intense the need inside.lots of support to you,
Frida
poster:frida
thread:490680
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/490726.html