Posted by shrinking violet on April 3, 2005, at 13:35:12
In reply to i hate myself so much, posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53
Thank you everyone.
I did end up calling her later that afternoon. I apologized for how the session went. She thanked me. I told her I don't plan to go in there and react the way I do...she said she knows (but does she??) and she said she wishes she could keep her mouth shut b/c she thinks that her talking to fill in the gaps messes me up (true). She joked and said for me to bring in some masking tape next time. I laughed and told her I would (I think I even might LOL). She said she will miss me. Why, I have no idea.....
I've thought a lot about that session, and how to avoid future ones like that, and what I need to do in order to make this last phase with her something I will cherish and not regret later on. I've come up with some ideas, that I will try to talk to her about. I know that I need to grieve this loss of her WITH her, if that makes sense, and pushing her away now is only going to make the hurt worse. I'm going to bring in questions, or things I need to say/discuss with her to sessions from now on, and encourage her to ask questions of me, anything she might want to know before I leave her, hoping the questions will act as a catalyst for some discussions, since I was never good at just pulling topics out of the air. Also, I need to see if we can see each other weekly again for a while, because waiting 2-3 weeks in betweeen sessions is actually prolonging the pain, b/c I start to get used to not seeing her, then I see her and it starts all over again. I also want us to set a last session date, so I know where we stand and when it will be. And I do want to give her a small gift of appreciation the session before the last one, b/c I want the last session to be a quiet, peaceful time for us.
I also need to see if she can see me next week, rather than the week after, because it is very urgent for me to try to convey to her, more than anything else, how sorry I am for everything, and how I wish I could have been different/better, how I wish I could have spared her all of the aggravation and frustration and upset that I have caused her......
So, we'll see. I guess I can't avoid hurting, and I can't avoid showing her how much this hurts me, especially knowing it doesn't affect her that much.
Why do I feel like the world's biggest fool, though? :-(
Thank you all again.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:478498
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050329/msgs/479316.html