Posted by littleone on March 19, 2005, at 19:45:06
In reply to Fear of Talking, Relationship, Abandonment... Long, posted by Poet on March 19, 2005, at 12:47:01
> I spent the last two sessions denying just about everything I've ever told my T in the last 2 1/2 years. That I just (for the hundreth time) "can't do therapy." I should just quit. Or she should just take pity on me and terminate me.
Sometimes I wish that denial was a physical object, like say a bunch of vines across your pathway. Then you could hack at it and chop it down and it would be gone. Instead it is like an invisible gas that just infiltrates everything and usually you don't even know that it's there.
It's fantastic that you can actually see it is at play here Poet. Know that it is a necessary defence. That our poor minds can't handle seeing/hearing/knowing certain stuff until they are ready.
Having said that, I do know that it is a cruddy thing to have to deal with.
I'm always amazed at how smart denial is. It can make up so many logical reasons for doing/not doing something. It is so convincing.
And wanting to quit or wanting her to ditch you is another denial. An avoidance. Whenever I want to quit therapy, it's a sure sign that there's something important going on in therapy. That it's more important than ever to keep going. No matter what incredibly logical excuses my denial has invented.
> She said, every so often this comes up, especially after you disclose something. You are so frightened to let me get close to you. I understand your fear of trusting. You coped with some very bad things by convincing yourself to never let anybody get close to you ever again.
I ask my T why I get so super alert and ready to bolt whenever he talks about us or how he feels about me. He says it's because I believe our relationship is dangerous. Is that how it feels for you? That the relationship is dangerous? Logically (and in my heart) I know that my T won't hurt me or reject me or do bad things to me, but despite that, it still feels dangerous to be so closely involved with him.
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> I hope that you will take away from therapy the ability to have a relationship with me. And that you will take that ability and have other relationships.
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> I told her that we don't have a relationship, that I don't need one, want one with her or anybody.My T says the same sort of thing. And I find it all so hard to accept. I hate being with people. I don't care about people. I don't need people. I can get the love I need from animals.
But my T is so different. He actually believes that you get meaning in life from your interactions with people (which would explain why I find life so pointless). He derives great satisfaction from obviously his family and friends, but also just from interacting with a shopkeeper or another parent at his kid's school or basically anyone.
And this is just so foreign to me. I can't comprehend it. All I can comprehend is that the way he views/approaches/handles relationships and people is vastly different from the way I do. And it obviously works for him. So even though I believe I don't want/need people, I think I'm willing to acknowledge that maybe there's more to it all than what I see/know. And maybe I'll take a watch and wait stance instead of running away from the idea completely.
But then again, my denial is very good at outsmarting me :)
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> She said that's because I'm scared ****less to have one. She thinks that a bigger part of me that I want to admit exists does want a relationship. That's why I keep coming back week after week, then getting scared and not sharing my notes or talking. I don't want to admit that I have this need. When in therapy it's just you me and the four walls and it's supposed to be safe her. You aren't safe. You won't let your guard down even with someone you want to be with or you wouldn't keep coming back.She's right Poet. And it is hard. And it's something you just have to keep on working at. Over and over. Therapy is so hard.
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> I told her I HATE the word safe, because there is no where safe. No one is safe to be with.People are dangerous. I'm sure that's a deep belief of mine. People are dangerous/nasty. The world is a bad place.
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> She said, that is my fear of abandonment. That I try so hard to be uncooperative, angry and defensive when she tells me things I know are true. Like that I fear relationships, because I'm afraid I'll get abandoned. I am scared ****less to let her get close to me, because I am afraid she'll leave me or ignore me.
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> Why am I so scared ****less to admit to her that she (may) be right? Am I this messed up that I can't even admit that I do want a realtionship to her- someone who sees through my defenses?
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> I am a mess. Therapy is making me more messed, but I don't quit. Do I?Therapy is straightening you out. It's your defenses that are making a mess of you. And no, you don't quit. Remember, when you want to quit, that's exactly when you need to stay and work on something important. No matter how blah you feel about returning.
Often when I don't want to go to therapy and I really have to argue hard with my denial and literally drag myself to my T's office, I'm in a terrible frame of mind. I'm so closed off from him (and myself). And they're the sessions we just play cards. Just to be together, but with no pressure to open up. And once that pressure is off, it makes it a little easier for me to accept our relationship a little.
poster:littleone
thread:472817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472974.html