Posted by littleone on February 17, 2005, at 20:47:35
In reply to My T bought me flowers....but I wouldn't take them, posted by shrinking violet on February 15, 2005, at 18:01:28
Your post brought me to tears when I first read it. I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how frustrating and upsetting it all feels.
I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. I'm sorry. I agree to a point with what others say about it just taking time. That forming the attachment, the bond, slowly brings the walls down. But I don't think this necessarily happens eventually to everyone. Sometimes I think I'm hardwired this way. Other times I can see that I've just been conditioned this way, which means that maybe one day I'll be re-conditioned a better way.
Sometimes I'll read something that will really resonate with me. It'll usually be something along the lines of how it's all just about taking a risk. You risk a little bit now and when that proves to be safe, you risk a little more down the track and so on. And at these times I can see that it is all just about risking to trust the other person. Risking to let go.
But when I'm there in the middle of a session all frozen up like a popsicle, thoughts of taking a risk are nowhere to be found. It's not even like I'm too scared to take a risk. It just doesn't even occur to me. I'm on some sort of defensive autopilot.
> As soon as I get there, it's like I go into a dark room and lock the door and close the blinds, put a large "do not disturb" sign on the doorknob and then huddle in a corner where nothing can reach me. Maybe nothing ever will....?
I always feel like there's a big brick wall between me and my T and I'm on my side cowering under a blanket inside one of those cubby houses you build as a kid made out of blankets draped over chairs and furniture.
> And my T and I have so little time left together, only a few months, and here I am still squandering it away.I'm so sorry that you're losing your T. It must be awful. And I imagine that part of you uses knowing she's going as another escape hatch. Why bother trying to talk if you need to leave soon anyway? That sort of thinking encourages hopelessness and the downward spiral. I hope you're not getting on that rollercoaster.
> She said I wouldn't take something from someone who cares about me? I shook my head and bit my lip. Finally she said she understood, but she said it in a quiet, almost hurt way.
If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that she wasn't hurt by your inability to accept her flowers. She was probably more sad at how your past experiences have shaped you so that you feel unable to accept her gift. It *is* sad that we can't enjoy life in that way.
> I don't know what to do....I can't even convey it all in writing. It just hurts.
You wrote it out well here. Your T sounds sweet.
poster:littleone
thread:458364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/459602.html