Posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2005, at 9:57:27
In reply to Re: Resentment, posted by daisym on February 11, 2005, at 23:45:03
> Why should *I* be the one to pick up the slack? Why am *I* the only one who cares if things fall apart or not?
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> <<<<These are all good questions. For me the answers are usually because I'm supposed to -- it is the lot I drew in life. I can't (won't?) feel resentment in most situations because "good girls are happy to take over all the care-taking duties."*** But this is the point. We do these things because we *have* to do them. We are *supposed* to do them. We were *born* to do them. Bulls**t.
I am not "happy" to do this. For years I deluded myself into thinking that I was perfectly happy to be in this role. It was *my* role. It was who I *WAS*. I was the competent one. I was the go-to girl. I was the one who would make everything come out right. And I still am - even though I have been disabled for most of the last 10 years, I am *STILL* the one who makes things happen. How sad is that??
I always did it because I could, because I was supposed to. And I always hid the resentment because it was "bad". How could I "not like" this essence that defined me? I couldn't reject that part of me without rejecting "all" of me - because that part of me is so central to who I am. But the cost was there, anyway. The resentment builds and builds, and by denying it, I simply ensure that it never has a way out - it is trapped inside me, festering.
I would venture a guess that you have the same resentment, but you aren't where I am right now. So you can't allow yourself to see your resentment. I hope that I can show you that there is hope for the future. Believe me - I know this issue can't be pushed.
>*sigh* Beside, I know I *just* can do it better and faster than most people and I want them to do it my way anyway.
*** Yes. I don't know what the solution is. I just know there is a problem.
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> But I think recognizing that you have resentment and being so articulate in your expression of it is a really important step to moving away from those things causing this resentment. You are asking really good questions. I'm glad it feels so good to have named these feelings.
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> I guess one of the next questions is are you asking for what you need in return so the resentment goes away and things are more balanced OR are you taking care of people who aren't aware of how little they are giving back? Bluntly, are you "collecting" people who need you?Good question... I think I often don't ask for what I need. Sometimes when I do ask, I'm disappointed, and that makes it harder to ask the next time.
Yes, in some ways I do "collect" people who need me. Being needed is what makes me feel worthwhile. I am starting to try to be more assertive in asking for what I need, but this will be a long process. First, I have to admit that I do need things. Then, I have to realize that other people might be able to give them to me. Then I have to see that other people might be willing to give them to me. And then, I still have to figure out that it is OK to accept them.
It is so easy to be the helper, but not the helpee. It makes me feel competent, rather than weak and defective. Competent but full of need. I need to give the "need" part more emphasis. So I guess the answer is that I am starting to begin to try to think about shifting relationships and seeking people who are stronger (i.e. less needy and/or more able to fill my needs). Actually, I started this process years ago, I guess it is a very long process... I do have people in my life now who are able to fill my needs, if I can simply allow it.
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poster:fallsfall
thread:456244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/457109.html