Posted by fallsfall on February 11, 2005, at 10:44:37
I finally have a word to use to label my feelings: resentment.
I am a capable person (except when I'm depressed), and I can do things (both things that are my responsibility and things that are other people's responsibility) as well or better than most other people. I don't like to fail, and I don't like to see things around me fail. So I do my part, and if necessary, I do everyone else's part, too. And things don't fail, so I am happy... well, almost.
I *can* do other people's jobs/tasks. I *do* do other people's jobs/tasks. I *resent* doing other people's jobs/tasks. The resentment is buried very deeply, though - I am not a person who gets angry (at least not visibly).
I "help out". I "do what needs to be done". I "just do it". I "teach", I "show", I "tie up the loose ends". I "fill in", I'm "flexible", I'm "generous", I'm a "good sport", a "good friend". How many other euphanisms are there for doing stuff that someone else is supposed to do?
But there is an anger. An anger that I shouldn't have to do other people's work for them. That if I can do it, and it isn't even my job, why can't they do it when it *is* their job? That I'm not being "paid" to do all this (but this in no way is isolated to "work" situations - so I should say I'm not being "compensated" (often emotionally - not being supported? I want to be taken care of in return for taking care of them)). Why should *I* be the one to pick up the slack? Why am *I* the only one who cares if things fall apart or not?
A good example was my marriage. We decided that one of us would stay home with the kids when the kids were little. Since we couldn't quite do that on one income, my parents helped out a little - that was OK with me for a limited time. It seemed like a good investment to make in my children. Originally, I stayed home and did home daycare (for 3 years - till my oldest two were 3 and 1), then he became a househusband and I went back to work (I earn more than he does). My third child was born while I was working (I took 6 weeks off). Things were tight, but between spending wisely, my salary, and some help from my parents we could squeak by. When my youngest went into first grade, I expected my husband to get a parttime job (we still wanted him to be home after school). By the time she was in second grade, he had no job and I crashed. Only after that did he get the training he needed to get his CDL license, and he took a job as a school bus driver. School bus drivers (at least around here) do not work 40 hour weeks. So I resented being financially responsible (between working and accepting handouts from my family) when he was capable of contributing. (P.S. I left him 5 years ago, and I'm *still* supporting him)
It's amazing how freeing it is to have a word to go with the feeling.
poster:fallsfall
thread:456244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/456244.html